“Craigslist Crazy, Part Two”

 

 

c. 2020 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(12-20)

Ashtabula Craigslist. Never boring.

When looking for writing projects during the pandemic, the memory of having perused this rowdy website for ideas in the distant past provided inspiration. As I remembered, every click seemed to offer new layers of oddball opportunities, rants, hook-ups, and shady deals. So on a recent evening, I returned to look again.

Almost immediately, I discovered an unhinged post in the ‘Rants’ section. One likely to have been written in the basement, over a Red Bull and a steaming bowl of Ramen:

ERIE, PA – IT’S ONLY A CHEST COLD, YOU BRAINDEAD ZOMBIES!

“Covid is a chest cold, and kills those who would die from any illness anyway. The death rate for regular healthy people is less than 1%, what the fuck don’t you get? This is being done to murder you, via vaccines, it has been told publicly by Bill Gates, numerous movies, songs, etc., every way you could be told/warned, you were, this mask shit, limiting your freedoms is just part of the agenda, and you retards are going along as expected, you are pissed that your (sic) are inconvenienced, not at why they are doing this to you. Remember the 911 hoax?”

Further research revealed amusing job openings that were advertised. I tried to imagine the sort of person that would reach out with these solicitations. Seedy? Sly? Scandalous rascals with overcoats outstretched, dangling merchandise twinkling in the sun?

Every entry raised my eyebrows:

AKRON, OH – PAID FOOT MASSAGE

“Looking to pay a woman to give a foot massage to. Let me pamper you while you sit back and relax. I hope to be available this week. Please reply with a pic of self and feet and we can set up a time! I’m an attractive young professional.”

MEADVILLE, PA – TV CASTING

“Are you talking to or dating an inmate who’s getting released...? Did you meet them while they were incarcerated? A popular TV series is looking to feature new couples on an upcoming season. If you or someone you know is dating someone who is incarcerated please message. Thanks!”

ERIE, PA – BOOK MODEL

“Book author needs a female model (non-professional acceptable) to demonstrate some exercises – not difficult! $20/hr-cash in hand; plus a bonus for good spirited enthusiastic work. Gymnastic photos. Absolutely nothing offensive. Ladies between 21-30 please respond with ALL of the following: first name, height, weight, and contact phone # (with the best time to call) to the above e-mail address. Applicants MUST attach AT LEAST two photos to be considered – 1 close-up-face and 1 full length; and any others you would like to include would be welcome.”

CLEVELAND, OH – SEEKING NEW TALENT ON POPULAR STREAMING APP (BIGO LIVE)

“We are conducting a nationwide search for the most attractive ladies!! US and Canada submissions only please. This is a life changing opportunity for you to be able to live stream on a global platform! We have live channels with thousands of views per channel. Its a great way to earn money from home while doing the things you are most passionate about. We also have big events and casting agents on the platform who are looking to book new talent in the entertainment business. This job comes with a lot of exposure as well and receiving great compensation. Our top performers earn between $10,000 to $24,000 monthly with bonuses.

Truly entertaining, however, was a post in the personal section. One which sounded a bit farcical, as if written by a character in a 1970’s situation comedy:

FORUMS – MARRIAGE & LTR (LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS) WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD WOMEN?

“Relationships have always come easy to me. I have never chased anyone – past middle school, anyway. There is so much easy sex available to me, and I am pretty old. It is nice and I am not complaining. But the quality of women my age is just not that good. There are beautiful women, smart women, married women, single women, and lots of other great women available to me. But the nasty disgusting attitudes on so many of these women it (is) just off putting these days, to say the least. Just the sense of entitlement and bizarre gender stereotypes are frankly shocking. I could write a book about this but will leave it at this. Where are all the good women?”

A look at the ‘Connections’ page continued this theme. Random shots from the dark, offered with nefarious intent. But one in particular knocked me over with its reckless use of language, almost as if it had been composed at a bar with drunken friends looking on intently:

MEADVILLE, PA – AA FEM LOOKING FOR W 4 M

“Are you seriously here reading these posts, looking to meet somebody to quarantine and chill with?! The only thing left listed below are scam artiest (sic) trying to screw you with money, or guys pretending to be woman to see your Johnson. By simply replying you happen to be putting your security and personal facts about the line! Their very own place left where everyday girls go and the five-o lawfully have to stay away from. That is a good sight (sic) called ‘ONLYCASUALSEX.COM’ just investigation for it on Google and their (sic) there in the number 1 spot. Check it out and see for yourself. You won’t become disappointed!”

A final blast of insanity came from the For-Sale section. It was a simple ad, merely a photo of a handwritten note with words in a heart, and a line of text, below. A solicitation for college women to surrender their panties:

 

MANSFIELD, OH – LOOKING TO SEE WHO IS INTERESTED

“Just seeing what’s out there if you have any interest please contact me with your questions.”

My excursion on Craigslist had once again yielded results that were perfect for a writing project in the WOTL series. I felt satisfied by the result. But also as before, a bit unsettled. To peer beneath the veil of civility was undeniably interesting. Still, this gaze into the abyss made me question the logic of society on the fringe.

I felt glad to be far from civilization, on the eastern edge of Geauga County.

Comments about ‘Words on the Loose’ may be sent to: icewritesforyou@gmail.com

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