“Starvation Strategy”

c. 2019 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(5-19)

The Setting: Washington, D. C.

The Players: Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives; Chief of Staff Terri McCullough; Donald J. Trump, President of the United States; Kellyanne Conway, counselor and adviser. Various reporters.

The Conflict: An ongoing political battle with charges traded between the two powerful figures about competency, fitness, and family intervention.

Act I (Speaker’s Office)

Terri Mac: “Madame Speaker, good morning to you. With the holiday weekend behind us, I would like to talk about a new strategy for dealing with Mr. Trump and his Twitter obsession.”

N. Pelosi: “Well, there’s a brilliant idea! I have tried everything. Condescending tone, witty barbs, my famous sideways clap, and the spray-tanned troll continues to spout off with his silly nicknames. He reminds me of my grandchildren sputtering through a sugar high!”

Terri Mac: “Indeed.”

N. Pelosi: “I need more than ideas. I need results! How do we shut down the crusty, orange, Cheeto-in-Chief?”

Terri Mac: (Laughing) “It is very simple, really. The solution came to me while watching a Star Trek rerun last night.”

N. Pelosi: (Visibly exasperated) “A WHAT??”

Terri Mac: “A Star Trek Rerun.”

N. Pelosi: “Trump’s hair does remind me of a tribble...”

Terri Mac: (Grinning) “No, no, my epiphany came while watching “Day of the Dove” which was an episode from 1968. Sort of like something Rod Serling might have written for ‘The Twilight Zone.’ It made me realize how we could defeat Mister ‘Rump in 2020.”

N. Pelosi: “Did you just have wine and cheese for breakfast?”

Terri Mac: (Pleading) “No, no, hear me out, Madame Speaker. Herr Cheeto is like a zombie. Bumbling and stumbling through Washington because he can’t be stopped by ordinary means. He is oafish and clumsy, but with the stamina of a vampire elephant...”

N. Pelosi: (Wide-eyed) “A WHAT??”

Terri Mac: (Flustered but fierce) “Never mind, Nancy. My point is that the Star Trek episode depicted an alien being that fed off of anger. Literally able to draw strength from human conflict. The only way for Earthers and Klingons to defeat the demon was to drop their weapons and cooperate. Comity and cordiality weakened the beast and made it flee.”

N. Pelosi: “What are you saying, Terri?”

Terri Mac: “Very simply, that as you battle with this loon, he only grows stronger. Every insult, every snap-back, every eye-roll, gives him power. Look at his Twitter feed! Up at 3:00 in the morning, sending out red meat in tweets to his base. Nixon, Reagan, Bush, they were all mortal men. But ‘The Donald’ is a freak. Undead. No heart, no soul...”

N. Pelosi: “Certainly no brain!”

Terri Mac: “We need to starve him. Stop giving him attention. Stop making him feel important. Let’s get to work on needs of the American people and sidestep Mr. Tiny Hands. Let him wither and rot like a plant with no water or sunlight. Try a 'Starvation Strategy' on him instead of feeding the monster.”

N. Pelosi: (Nearly speechless) “Well now… could it really work? Really?”

Terri Mac: “Trust me, Madame Speaker. Trust Mr. Spock.”

Act II (The Oval Office)

Kellyanne Con: “Good morning, Mr. President. I brought coffee.”

D. Trump: “I want some Coke.”

Kellyanne Con: “Of course. Sorry...”

D. Trump: “Did you see this headline in the ‘Failing New York Times?’ It is unbelievable!”

Kellyanne Con: (Reading out loud) “House Speaker Says War Is Over.”

D. Trump: “Over? I won? Just like that?”

Kellyanne Con: “The story quotes Mrs. Pelosi as saying that she believes it is time to cooperate. To take care of America.”

D. Trump: “That sounds like I won.”

Kellyanne Con: “The press is cheering her new approach. She is meeting today with members of the Senate. Working on a new round of bi-partisan bills.”

D. Trump: “What? Nancy is losing it, I have said that, it is sad, very sad.”

Kellyanne Con: “The New York Times says she even praised you as an innovator. As someone with a unique approach to governing.”

D. Trump: (Sweating) “DID WHAT??”

Kellyanne Con: “Should I read you the full paragraph?”

D. Trump: “Nancy is losing it, I knew it, I said it. Losing it badly, losing badly.”

Kellyanne Con: “Mitch McConnell says he believes the Senate will vote to support this new round of bills.”

D. Trump: “This is a scam, trust me, a scam like no other. Crazy Nancy still knows how to play the game. Her ego is still huuuuuuge.”

Kellyanne Con: “I just received a text from Mitch. He wants you to host a signing ceremony when the bills are passed. With all the participants present...”

D. Trump: (Weakening) “NO, NO, NO!”

Kellyanne Con: “Mr. President, please...”

D. Trump: (Slumped in his chair) “NOOOOOOOOOO!”

Act III (House of Representatives Press Conference)

N. Pelosi: (Beaming proudly) “I will be glad to take questions about our wonderful success today on Capitol Hill...”

Nancy Cordes, CBS: “How do you feel about cooperating with the administration instead of fighting?”

N. Pelosi: “We feel thrilled to do work for the American people. Thank you.”

Carl Hulse, The New York Times: “Madame Speaker, how does your new strategy fit with those in your party who want to impeach Donald Trump instead of helping him?”

N. Pelosi: (Clapping for herself) “We are helping the American people.”

Manu Raju, CNN: “Only weeks ago, we heard ‘Impeach the motherf*****!’ from Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib. How do you convince her that this new spirit of cooperation is real?”

N. Pelosi: “Our love of America is real.”

Kristina Peterson, The Wall Street Journal: “Madame Speaker, we have not seen Donald Trump in public since your announcement with Senate Majority Leader McConnell. His Twitter feed has gone silent. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders has been busy baking pies instead of answering questions. What do you think about his disappearance?”

N. Pelosi: “I think we all love America. And I feel good about that.”

Act IV (White House Bedroom)

D. Trump: (Writhing in his sleep) “Melania, Melania, help me. Help meeeeeee...”

The room is silent. President Trump is alone.

D. Trump: (Sitting up) “Damn it, I forgot she went on a trip to Europe. What a horrible nightmare, just horrible. Most completely horrible. Just tragic.”

The President grabs his cellphone.

D. Trump: “Giving up to the Democrats would be a nightmare. But I will keep fighting! Fighting for a border wall, fighting the fake news!”

Mr. Trump enjoys a glass of Coke while scrolling through headlines. Most decry the stalemate of opposing forces in Washington. Unwilling to give any political advantage to the other side. Locked in a death-match of futility. Finally, he reopens his Twitter app.

D Trump: “Crazy Nancy Pelosi is the sister of Crazy Bernie, trust me. Democrats are all crazy. But I am winning big for America! Fighting forever!”

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