“Easter Orange”

c. 2019 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(4-19)

The Setting: America’s White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Decorated with festive bunnies and eggs for the season.

The Players: Donald J. Trump, 45^th President of the United States; Kellyanne Conway, counselor; Mick Mulvaney, Chief of Staff; Rudy Giuliani, lawyer and adviser.

Mick Mulvaney - “Good morning, Mr. President. Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. I would like to go over your schedule of events...”

Donald Trump - “Easter? Again??”

Kellyanne Conway - “It hasn’t arrived yet, Mr. President.”

D. Trump - “I thought we already had that egg hunt on the White House lawn. Hunting eggs. Eggs all over. Lots of big, beautiful eggs. The best eggs, ever. With the bunny here too.”

M. Mulvaney - “That was an event in the run-up to the actual holiday, sir.”

D. Trump - “Just an event?”

K. Conway - “The kids loved hunting for eggs, Mr. President.”

D. Trump - “I get to pardon a turkey for Thanksgiving. Why can’t I pardon a pig for Easter? You know, set it free from being a ham on the dinner table. A table bigger and longer than anything Obama ever had, let me tell you.”

M. Mulvaney - “Sir, umm, that would be very unconventional.”

K. Conway – (Giggling) “Pardon a hog from becoming a ham?”

D. Trump - “Let that piggy run around with the kids hunting Easter eggs. Set it free. Like the turkey.”

M. Mulvaney – (Clears his throat) “Sir, we can’t let a swine roam the White House grounds.

Rudy Giuliani – (Entering the Oval Office) - “Mr. President, we need to talk about an issue...”

M. Mulvaney – (Visibly irritated) “Not now, Rudy! I have to go over the schedule!”

K. Conway – (Snorting) “We still have to sort out this piggy-pardon idea.”

R. Giuliani - “Mr. President, this can’t wait. I have something more important to discuss with you.”

M. Mulvaney - “What, another story angle on the Mueller Report?”

K. Conway - “Democrats like Elizabeth Warren calling for impeachment?”

R. Giuliani – (Sweating) “No and no! Mr. President, I need you to get on Twitter and come to the aid of a trusted supporter who has been with you since the beginning… Scott Baio.”

M. Mulvaney – (Exasperated) “Who??”

K. Conway - “The cute kid from Joanie Loves Chachi?”

D. Trump - “I liked that show. Much better than Happy Days, much much better. Better in every episode.”

R. Giuliani - “Mr. President, this is an emergency!”

M. Mulvaney - “Easter is one day away. I need to review your schedule immediately...”

K. Conway - “Scott spoke at our party convention in 2016, remember?”

D. Trump - “I do remember. He made a great speech. A great, great speech. Better than Fonzie would make.”

R. Giuliani – (Loosening his tie) “We have word that liberal ‘Cult Radio’ hippies on the Internet have been harming him, Mr. President. Giving exposure to critics who did not like his weak television portrayal of Chachi Arcola. And even worse, giving air time to Nicole Eggert.”

M. Mulvaney - “Who?”

R. Giuliani - “An accuser of sexual misconduct. Also an actress from Charles in Charge and Baywatch.”

D. Trump - “Sexual misconduct? That is bad, Very bad. Very, very bad. She is probably using that scumbag lawyer Michael Avenatti like Stormy Daniels was doing. Very bad.”

K. Conway - “I don’t think that is correct, Mr. President.”

M. Mulvaney - “Who? What??”

R. Giuliani - “We need to defend him, Mr. President. Scott has been invited to speak again at the Republican convention in 2020. We need his support.”

D. Trump - “And Chachi needs our help?”

R. Giuliani - “Yes he does.”

M. Mulvaney – (Frustrated) “Sir, we need to review your schedule for Easter Sunday… I would suggest an appearance at church.

D. Trump - “Church? I thought you were going to say more golf with Rush Limbaugh, maybe.”

K. Conway – (Smiling) “Mick is right, church would help with your image, Mr. President.”

D. Trump - “The church thing. It is like John McCain for me, a thing I do not like that much. Not much. Jesus endorsed me before, everyone knows that, they know he picked me over Hillary. I don’t need to be churchy.”

M. Mulvaney – (Flabbergasted) “Jesus endorsed you?”

D. Trump - “When all those preachers and pastors came here to the Oval Office. All those priests and rabbis and all of them came here, they laid hands on me, not like Joe Biden, you know! They prayed over me to say that Jesus endorsed me for president.”

R. Giuliani – (Distracted) “Sir, we need to rescue Scott Baio. He is drowning. Being offended by the ‘Cult Radio’ hosts and some newspaper guy from Ohio. He calls you the ‘Cheeto-in-Chief’ which is very disrespectful.”

K. Conway – (Giggling, again) “Umm, very disrespectful.”

D. Trump - “If this was China, or North Korea, I could just turn off cyberspace. Turn it off. Off, off, off.”

M. Mulvaney - “People think you would like to do that here...”

D. Trump - “Who thinks that?”

K. Conway - “Sounds like Jake Tapper from CNN.”

D. Trump - “Jake Tapper! He’s a bad rapper! Bad, very bad, very poor reporter on a failing network, a sad network, believe me.”

K. Conway - “So what can we do to help Scott Baio?”

R. Giuliani - “I think we can get Fox Network to pick up a new show for him, and help another friend at the same time. It will be called Roseanne Loves Chachi… a grown-up version of the old show with Erin Moran. Roseanne discovers Chachi who has been living at the Chicago City Mission. They form a partnership based on mutual need, raising baby elephants at the zoo, and their love for you, Mr. President.”

M. Mulvaney - “Baby elephants?”

K. Conway – (Brightening) “I like it! Fox helped Tim Allen, they can help Scott, too!”

D. Trump - “Invite their people to Mar-a-Lago. We can discuss this over hamberders and Cokes.”

K. Conway – (Saluting) “Consider it done!”

R. Giuliani - “But what about the radio hippies? And the newspaper guy?”

M. Mulvaney – (Rubbing his eyes) “Doesn’t anyone care about Easter?”

K. Conway - “How about the Twitter trolls?”

D. Trump - “That’s a great idea, Kellyanne. Get out the trolls. Let them troll those people. Troll people in the radio cult and the Ohio newspaper guy, and especially, Jake tapper from CNN! Troll, troll, troll!”

R. Giuliani - “Done and done and done, Mr. President!”

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