c.
2019 Rod Ice
All
rights reserved
(4-19)
The
Setting: America’s White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Decorated
with festive bunnies and eggs for the season.
The
Players: Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United
States; Kellyanne Conway, counselor; Mick Mulvaney, Chief of Staff;
Rudy Giuliani, lawyer and adviser.
Mick
Mulvaney - “Welcome to our Monday meeting with President Trump. I
hope everyone had a blessed Easter holiday!”
Kellyanne
Conway – (Cheerful and breezy) “Mr. President, I would just like
to say that it was great to see you at church, yesterday. A great
visual for the press...”
Rudy
Giuliani - “Fox News ran that video all day long!”
Donald
Trump - “I wanted to celebrate. Celebrate big, you know. Celebrate
huuuuuuge! Celebrate the miracle of Easter.”
Mick
Mulvaney – (Buoyant) “The miracle of Jesus and his resurrection?”
D.
Trump - “The miracle of my resurrection! Thanks to Robert Mueller.
No collusion, no obstruction!”
K.
Conway – (Laughing) “That really is a miracle, Mr. President!”
M.
Mulvaney - “You just needed to look more humble, sir. To focus on
the true meaning of Easter...”
D.
Trump - “Look, Jesus has been on my side since this campaign
started. Believe me. I know that. Jesus is on the Trump Train. Jesus
wants America to be great again. I don’t need to make noise for
Jesus. I have Jesus right here, beside me. Even he knew there was no
collusion!”
K.
Conway – (Rolling her eyes) “Well anyway, it looked good on the
Sunday news shows, Mr. President. I am glad you went to church.”
R.
Giuliani - “I flipped over to CNN and never saw any of that. They
had Elizabeth Warren, calling for your impeachment.”
D.
Trump - “A loser network! Bad ratings. Very bad.”
M.
Mulvaney - “Rudy is right, sir. NBC News had Pete Buttigieg saying
that he is ‘pretty sure’ you should be impeached.”
D.
Trump - “Another bad network. They should have stayed with
‘Seinfeld’ reruns. News does nothing for them, nothing.”
R.
Giuliani - “Julian Castro is calling for your impeachment, Beto O’
Rourke says you are guilty of offenses that would merit
impeachment...”
D.
Trump – (Red-faced) “Guilty? The Mueller Report said ‘Not
guilty.’ No collusion, no obstruction. Listen to Robert. I did
nothing. Never did. NOT GUILTY!”
K.
Conway – (Cheering) “Not guilty, Mr. President!”
M.
Mulvaney - “Your own husband has called for impeachment,
Kellyanne.”
R.
Giuliani - “Ouch! That has to be tough at the dinner table. Would
take a few glasses of wine to wash that down.”
K.
Conway - “George has his own opinions. Alternate opinions, like
alternate facts.”
D.
Trump - “I never liked that guy much! Him and John McCain.”
M.
Mulvaney - “Sir, we need to think about more events with you in a
religious context. Let’s play to your base of supporters. Change
the narrative from talk of impeachment.”
R.
Giuliani - “How about speaking at a fundraiser to help rebuild
Notre Dame in Paris?”
D.
Trump - “They should have dropped water from the airplanes. I had
that on Twitter. I told them what to do. Twit-ter. Don’t they have
Twitter in France?”
M.
Mulvaney - “Sir, experts in fire science say that would have
intensified the structural damage...”
D.
Trump - “I saw it work in an episode of ‘Code Red’ or something
like that. It worked. Worked better than trucks and hoses. Better
than trucks.”
M.
Mulvaney - “Mr. President, I think you are mistaken.”
K.
Conway - “Wasn’t Lorne Greene in that show?”
M.
Mulvaney - “Nobody remembers Code Red anyway.”
D.
Trump - “Lorne Greene! I loved him on Bonanza. That was a great
show, about America when America was great before. Great, great
America.”
R.
Giuliani - “I liked Bonanza.”
D.
Trump - “Mick, Can we get Lorne Greene at one of my rallies?”
M.
Mulvaney - “He died in 1987, sir.”
K.
Conway - “And he was from Canada.”
D.
Trump – (Frustrated) “Look, the Canadian people love me. Maybe I
have problems sometimes when we negotiate, because we have to
negotiate hard, you know, but they love me in Canada. Believe me.”
M.
Mulvaney - “I think we need to focus on your softer side, Mr.
President. Divert attention from the impeachment talk with more
church, more grandchildren. More of that material for the press.”
D.
Trump - “I can’t be impeached for being NOT GUILTY! No collusion,
no obstruction! Why don’t they impeach Adam Schiff? Why don’t
they impeach Nancy Pelosi? Why don’t they impeach Chuck Schumer?”
R.
Giuliani - “Why don’t you dump Mike Pence for 2020 and add Sean
Hannity to your ticket?”
M.
Mulvaney – (Exasperated) “What???”
K.
Conway - “Mike Pence has been loyal to you, Mr. President.”
R.
Giuliani - “His wife has that book about ‘Marlon Bundo’ the
rabbit.”
D.
Trump – (Frowning) “A bunny book? Weak, that is very weak I
think. Very weak.”
K.
Conway - “It is for children, Mr. President.”
R.
Giuliani - “Sean Hannity would bring some ‘tomatas’ to your
2020 ticket. A good set-up for 2024...”
M.
Mulvaney - “Tomatas?”
R.
Giuliani - “Tomatas! Stones! The guy has balls!”
K.
Conway – (Giggling) “Well then, okay. Balls are good on a
national ticket.”
D.
Trump - “Balls would be great if your husband had any, Kellyanne!”
K.
Conway – (Shocked) “Mr. President, please!”
M.
Mulvaney - “Sir, late-night television host John Oliver published
his own book about Marlon Bundo. He portrayed the bunny in a
relationship with another male rabbit.”
K.
Conway – (Gasps audibly)
D.
Trump - “That is bad, I think, very bad. Bad to have in a book.
Very bad. A Democrat bunny. Peter Cottontail was never like that...
never.”
M.
Mulvaney - “Did Peter Cottontail have a specified orientation of
any kind, sir?”
K.
Conway - “Mike Pence must have needed oxygen after that.”
R.
Giuliani – (Coughing) “Mr. President, Sean Hannity does not have
a bunny. I bet he has a German Shepherd. Maybe two or three of them.
Maybe a Pit Bull!”
K.
Conway - “Personally, I’d rather have a rabbit!”
M.
Mulvaney - “Sir, we need to think about 2020 and beyond. We need to
plan...”
D.
Trump - “I like the idea of a German Shepherd coming to Washington.
Pick up the phone, Kellyanne and get me Sean Hannity!”
(Silent
pause as everyone ponders whether to obey or channel their own inner
Don McGahn.)
D.
Trump - “NO BUNNIES, NO COLLUSION!”
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