“Easter Orange, Plus One”

c. 2019 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(4-19)

The Setting: America’s White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Decorated with festive bunnies and eggs for the season.

The Players: Donald J. Trump, 45^th President of the United States; Kellyanne Conway, counselor; Mick Mulvaney, Chief of Staff; Rudy Giuliani, lawyer and adviser.

Mick Mulvaney - “Welcome to our Monday meeting with President Trump. I hope everyone had a blessed Easter holiday!”

Kellyanne Conway – (Cheerful and breezy) “Mr. President, I would just like to say that it was great to see you at church, yesterday. A great visual for the press...”

Rudy Giuliani - “Fox News ran that video all day long!”

Donald Trump - “I wanted to celebrate. Celebrate big, you know. Celebrate huuuuuuge! Celebrate the miracle of Easter.”

Mick Mulvaney – (Buoyant) “The miracle of Jesus and his resurrection?”

D. Trump - “The miracle of my resurrection! Thanks to Robert Mueller. No collusion, no obstruction!”

K. Conway – (Laughing) “That really is a miracle, Mr. President!”

M. Mulvaney - “You just needed to look more humble, sir. To focus on the true meaning of Easter...”

D. Trump - “Look, Jesus has been on my side since this campaign started. Believe me. I know that. Jesus is on the Trump Train. Jesus wants America to be great again. I don’t need to make noise for Jesus. I have Jesus right here, beside me. Even he knew there was no collusion!”

K. Conway – (Rolling her eyes) “Well anyway, it looked good on the Sunday news shows, Mr. President. I am glad you went to church.”

R. Giuliani - “I flipped over to CNN and never saw any of that. They had Elizabeth Warren, calling for your impeachment.”

D. Trump - “A loser network! Bad ratings. Very bad.”

M. Mulvaney - “Rudy is right, sir. NBC News had Pete Buttigieg saying that he is ‘pretty sure’ you should be impeached.”

D. Trump - “Another bad network. They should have stayed with ‘Seinfeld’ reruns. News does nothing for them, nothing.”

R. Giuliani - “Julian Castro is calling for your impeachment, Beto O’ Rourke says you are guilty of offenses that would merit impeachment...”

D. Trump – (Red-faced) “Guilty? The Mueller Report said ‘Not guilty.’ No collusion, no obstruction. Listen to Robert. I did nothing. Never did. NOT GUILTY!”

K. Conway – (Cheering) “Not guilty, Mr. President!”

M. Mulvaney - “Your own husband has called for impeachment, Kellyanne.”

R. Giuliani - “Ouch! That has to be tough at the dinner table. Would take a few glasses of wine to wash that down.”

K. Conway - “George has his own opinions. Alternate opinions, like alternate facts.”

D. Trump - “I never liked that guy much! Him and John McCain.”

M. Mulvaney - “Sir, we need to think about more events with you in a religious context. Let’s play to your base of supporters. Change the narrative from talk of impeachment.”

R. Giuliani - “How about speaking at a fundraiser to help rebuild Notre Dame in Paris?”

D. Trump - “They should have dropped water from the airplanes. I had that on Twitter. I told them what to do. Twit-ter. Don’t they have Twitter in France?”

M. Mulvaney - “Sir, experts in fire science say that would have intensified the structural damage...”

D. Trump - “I saw it work in an episode of ‘Code Red’ or something like that. It worked. Worked better than trucks and hoses. Better than trucks.”

M. Mulvaney - “Mr. President, I think you are mistaken.”

K. Conway - “Wasn’t Lorne Greene in that show?”

M. Mulvaney - “Nobody remembers Code Red anyway.”

D. Trump - “Lorne Greene! I loved him on Bonanza. That was a great show, about America when America was great before. Great, great America.”

R. Giuliani - “I liked Bonanza.”

D. Trump - “Mick, Can we get Lorne Greene at one of my rallies?”

M. Mulvaney - “He died in 1987, sir.”

K. Conway - “And he was from Canada.”

D. Trump – (Frustrated) “Look, the Canadian people love me. Maybe I have problems sometimes when we negotiate, because we have to negotiate hard, you know, but they love me in Canada. Believe me.”

M. Mulvaney - “I think we need to focus on your softer side, Mr. President. Divert attention from the impeachment talk with more church, more grandchildren. More of that material for the press.”

D. Trump - “I can’t be impeached for being NOT GUILTY! No collusion, no obstruction! Why don’t they impeach Adam Schiff? Why don’t they impeach Nancy Pelosi? Why don’t they impeach Chuck Schumer?”

R. Giuliani - “Why don’t you dump Mike Pence for 2020 and add Sean Hannity to your ticket?”

M. Mulvaney – (Exasperated) “What???”

K. Conway - “Mike Pence has been loyal to you, Mr. President.”

R. Giuliani - “His wife has that book about ‘Marlon Bundo’ the rabbit.”

D. Trump – (Frowning) “A bunny book? Weak, that is very weak I think. Very weak.”

K. Conway - “It is for children, Mr. President.”

R. Giuliani - “Sean Hannity would bring some ‘tomatas’ to your 2020 ticket. A good set-up for 2024...”

M. Mulvaney - “Tomatas?”

R. Giuliani - “Tomatas! Stones! The guy has balls!”

K. Conway – (Giggling) “Well then, okay. Balls are good on a national ticket.”

D. Trump - “Balls would be great if your husband had any, Kellyanne!”

K. Conway – (Shocked) “Mr. President, please!”

M. Mulvaney - “Sir, late-night television host John Oliver published his own book about Marlon Bundo. He portrayed the bunny in a relationship with another male rabbit.”

K. Conway – (Gasps audibly)

D. Trump - “That is bad, I think, very bad. Bad to have in a book. Very bad. A Democrat bunny. Peter Cottontail was never like that... never.”

M. Mulvaney - “Did Peter Cottontail have a specified orientation of any kind, sir?”

K. Conway - “Mike Pence must have needed oxygen after that.”

R. Giuliani – (Coughing) “Mr. President, Sean Hannity does not have a bunny. I bet he has a German Shepherd. Maybe two or three of them. Maybe a Pit Bull!”

K. Conway - “Personally, I’d rather have a rabbit!”

M. Mulvaney - “Sir, we need to think about 2020 and beyond. We need to plan...”

D. Trump - “I like the idea of a German Shepherd coming to Washington. Pick up the phone, Kellyanne and get me Sean Hannity!”

(Silent pause as everyone ponders whether to obey or channel their own inner Don McGahn.)

D. Trump - “NO BUNNIES, NO COLLUSION!”

Comments about ‘Words on the Loose’ may be sent to: icewritesforyou@gmail.com

Write us at: P. O. Box 365 Chardon, OH 44024

“Easter Orange”

c. 2019 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(4-19)

The Setting: America’s White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Decorated with festive bunnies and eggs for the season.

The Players: Donald J. Trump, 45^th President of the United States; Kellyanne Conway, counselor; Mick Mulvaney, Chief of Staff; Rudy Giuliani, lawyer and adviser.

Mick Mulvaney - “Good morning, Mr. President. Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. I would like to go over your schedule of events...”

Donald Trump - “Easter? Again??”

Kellyanne Conway - “It hasn’t arrived yet, Mr. President.”

D. Trump - “I thought we already had that egg hunt on the White House lawn. Hunting eggs. Eggs all over. Lots of big, beautiful eggs. The best eggs, ever. With the bunny here too.”

M. Mulvaney - “That was an event in the run-up to the actual holiday, sir.”

D. Trump - “Just an event?”

K. Conway - “The kids loved hunting for eggs, Mr. President.”

D. Trump - “I get to pardon a turkey for Thanksgiving. Why can’t I pardon a pig for Easter? You know, set it free from being a ham on the dinner table. A table bigger and longer than anything Obama ever had, let me tell you.”

M. Mulvaney - “Sir, umm, that would be very unconventional.”

K. Conway – (Giggling) “Pardon a hog from becoming a ham?”

D. Trump - “Let that piggy run around with the kids hunting Easter eggs. Set it free. Like the turkey.”

M. Mulvaney – (Clears his throat) “Sir, we can’t let a swine roam the White House grounds.

Rudy Giuliani – (Entering the Oval Office) - “Mr. President, we need to talk about an issue...”

M. Mulvaney – (Visibly irritated) “Not now, Rudy! I have to go over the schedule!”

K. Conway – (Snorting) “We still have to sort out this piggy-pardon idea.”

R. Giuliani - “Mr. President, this can’t wait. I have something more important to discuss with you.”

M. Mulvaney - “What, another story angle on the Mueller Report?”

K. Conway - “Democrats like Elizabeth Warren calling for impeachment?”

R. Giuliani – (Sweating) “No and no! Mr. President, I need you to get on Twitter and come to the aid of a trusted supporter who has been with you since the beginning… Scott Baio.”

M. Mulvaney – (Exasperated) “Who??”

K. Conway - “The cute kid from Joanie Loves Chachi?”

D. Trump - “I liked that show. Much better than Happy Days, much much better. Better in every episode.”

R. Giuliani - “Mr. President, this is an emergency!”

M. Mulvaney - “Easter is one day away. I need to review your schedule immediately...”

K. Conway - “Scott spoke at our party convention in 2016, remember?”

D. Trump - “I do remember. He made a great speech. A great, great speech. Better than Fonzie would make.”

R. Giuliani – (Loosening his tie) “We have word that liberal ‘Cult Radio’ hippies on the Internet have been harming him, Mr. President. Giving exposure to critics who did not like his weak television portrayal of Chachi Arcola. And even worse, giving air time to Nicole Eggert.”

M. Mulvaney - “Who?”

R. Giuliani - “An accuser of sexual misconduct. Also an actress from Charles in Charge and Baywatch.”

D. Trump - “Sexual misconduct? That is bad, Very bad. Very, very bad. She is probably using that scumbag lawyer Michael Avenatti like Stormy Daniels was doing. Very bad.”

K. Conway - “I don’t think that is correct, Mr. President.”

M. Mulvaney - “Who? What??”

R. Giuliani - “We need to defend him, Mr. President. Scott has been invited to speak again at the Republican convention in 2020. We need his support.”

D. Trump - “And Chachi needs our help?”

R. Giuliani - “Yes he does.”

M. Mulvaney – (Frustrated) “Sir, we need to review your schedule for Easter Sunday… I would suggest an appearance at church.

D. Trump - “Church? I thought you were going to say more golf with Rush Limbaugh, maybe.”

K. Conway – (Smiling) “Mick is right, church would help with your image, Mr. President.”

D. Trump - “The church thing. It is like John McCain for me, a thing I do not like that much. Not much. Jesus endorsed me before, everyone knows that, they know he picked me over Hillary. I don’t need to be churchy.”

M. Mulvaney – (Flabbergasted) “Jesus endorsed you?”

D. Trump - “When all those preachers and pastors came here to the Oval Office. All those priests and rabbis and all of them came here, they laid hands on me, not like Joe Biden, you know! They prayed over me to say that Jesus endorsed me for president.”

R. Giuliani – (Distracted) “Sir, we need to rescue Scott Baio. He is drowning. Being offended by the ‘Cult Radio’ hosts and some newspaper guy from Ohio. He calls you the ‘Cheeto-in-Chief’ which is very disrespectful.”

K. Conway – (Giggling, again) “Umm, very disrespectful.”

D. Trump - “If this was China, or North Korea, I could just turn off cyberspace. Turn it off. Off, off, off.”

M. Mulvaney - “People think you would like to do that here...”

D. Trump - “Who thinks that?”

K. Conway - “Sounds like Jake Tapper from CNN.”

D. Trump - “Jake Tapper! He’s a bad rapper! Bad, very bad, very poor reporter on a failing network, a sad network, believe me.”

K. Conway - “So what can we do to help Scott Baio?”

R. Giuliani - “I think we can get Fox Network to pick up a new show for him, and help another friend at the same time. It will be called Roseanne Loves Chachi… a grown-up version of the old show with Erin Moran. Roseanne discovers Chachi who has been living at the Chicago City Mission. They form a partnership based on mutual need, raising baby elephants at the zoo, and their love for you, Mr. President.”

M. Mulvaney - “Baby elephants?”

K. Conway – (Brightening) “I like it! Fox helped Tim Allen, they can help Scott, too!”

D. Trump - “Invite their people to Mar-a-Lago. We can discuss this over hamberders and Cokes.”

K. Conway – (Saluting) “Consider it done!”

R. Giuliani - “But what about the radio hippies? And the newspaper guy?”

M. Mulvaney – (Rubbing his eyes) “Doesn’t anyone care about Easter?”

K. Conway - “How about the Twitter trolls?”

D. Trump - “That’s a great idea, Kellyanne. Get out the trolls. Let them troll those people. Troll people in the radio cult and the Ohio newspaper guy, and especially, Jake tapper from CNN! Troll, troll, troll!”

R. Giuliani - “Done and done and done, Mr. President!”

Comments about ‘Words on the Loose’ may be sent to: icewritesforyou@gmail.com

Write us at: P. O. Box 365 Chardon, OH 44024

“Davie Allan: Retrophonic 6”

c. 2019 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(4-19)

Tradition.

For every writer there comes a time when personal habits bring a sense of balance. A trail blazed by past compositions. A sense of direction that may bring calm when pondering future projects. In my own universe, the most indelible of these creative paths has been in writing reviews for new recordings by Davie Allan and the Arrows.

Years ago, when we first connected, I tried to pen the sort of journalistic screed one would expect from a critic of consequence. But a fellow member in Davie’s fan group on Yahoo! offered inspiration with a completely different take on the art of prose composition. He frequented our chats with a stream-of-consciousness rap that seemed to echo poets of the ‘Beatnik’ or ‘Hippie’ eras.

One afternoon in that distant time, armed with a new release from our California guitar hero, I sat at my keyboard and began to type out thoughts in that loose-and-loaded style. Fueled by a bit of adult refreshment, I let the door of my cerebrum swing freely open. Words flew over, under, sideways and down.

My ‘First Impressions’ review exploded the idea of providing a thoughtful critique. But it worked.

Decades later, this personal tradition has continued. So when I received word from Davie himself that a new volume of his ‘Retrophonic’ series was in the mail, my pulse quickened. I knew that his music would provide the magic spark for yet another journey into the uncharted mindscape of self.

When the disc arrived, it took only seconds of listening to get plugged in and ready to write:

First Impressions: Retrophonic 6

1. Mass Distortion – In a cathedral, plectrum held high. The high priest of fuzz blesses his tribe. Rolling, rollicking, running hot. Six strings of glory and Johnny-on-the-spot. Back in the saddle, we never forgot.

2. You’re Gonna Cry – First ride of the season, rhyme with a reason. The cowboy electric, plectrum power eclectic. Held high to the sky like a sword in the storms of night. I feel alright. Let it roll, let it rock. Gonna take a spin around the block.

3. The Cruisin’ Shuffle – Strut and step, dancing fingers up the frets. New strings, old neck. Crank it to ten, what the heck. The Fuzz King in showers of spring. Some say it don’t mean a thing. But better to be aware, Link Wray has his amp on the stairs. Dick Dale in eternity, wails. And the Arrow-Dynamic sound never fails.

4. Whatever – Secret agent in the streets, plucking riffs to the drummer beats. Wet and hot in the night. Hot pursuit and wet reflections, shadows, steam and no protection. Standing guard with Jazzmaster at the ready. The King of Fuzz is rockin’ steady.

5. Don’t Shut Me Out Of Your Life – Give me space, give me a place. I’ve been here all the while, sunrise to sunset. I beg you, don’t forget. It was me that made you smile, ready to ride the black Panhead on an asphalt mile. Warrior set free, it was me.

6. More Licks On Route 66 – Righteous Rock, rolling around the block. On parade, here’s a lightning bolt from yesterday. Still on stage, don’t yank my cable, I’m still wild, and still an angel. Finger in the air, white man beware! Take a ride if you dare.

7. As Good As It Gets – Sunrise makes me giddy. Glad for the yellow of day, let me play! I’ve been locked down over the downtime. Polishing tunes and spinning rhymes. Now I taste the ocean breeze. Glad to be what I am, you see.

8. Driven – Throttle WFO. Ready to go. Tire spinning rubber bits in the air. I don’t care! Oil fumes and biker tunes. I remember well my trip through hell. Now this joker is a gypsy no more. I’m in charge of the store. If you want a platter, stand in line, it does not matter. I’ve got dozens in a stack. Hot licks aplenty and fortissimo attack.

9. Derivative – Wild and wilder. Wildest of all. Raise the neck and let the strummed chords fall. I am the survivor, still in the saddle. Let me ride while I’m still able. You remember what I was but I still make the steel strings buzz. I’m the King of Fuzz.

10. Road To Durango – Watch me strut. Bootheel kicks are just enough. Gear to gear, clicking through. This is a message from me to you. A seismic wave that’s gettin’ through. A surfer’s daze with the roadie crew. No attitude, no time to lose. Your heroes still alive and true.

11. Rebel On The Run – Hot wind and sand in the eyes. Saddle up, we’re going to ride! Cylinders puffing burned fuel and smoke. Trust me, mate, I’m your favorite bloke! If you dare, hit the road! Ride till sunset, then find a cantina. Quaff the cerveza, sabor mas fina.

12. Appaloosa – Horses strong and hitting their stride. Fuzz-drenched waves of an electric tide. Toss you to and fro where angels fear to go. If you freak out, let me know. I’ll keep you safe and keep you right. From the break of day to the silent night.

13. Stick It – Sassy. ‘Bout had enough, I’m feeling rough. Gotta get tough. Fortune winds blow no good, but I’m a winner, it’s understood. In the sun or in the dark. I’m the king of this amusement park. Ferris Wheel or skates of steel, I’ll never lose my appeal. Crank the knob and hit those notes. The King of Fuzz don’t ride ‘em slow.

14. Kick Back – Now I’ve said my peace in song. Thanks if you all sang along. Time for whiskey and a rest. I’ll take a break with no protest. Glad to have the sun go down. Glad to leave that one-horse town. Won’t see me frown. I’m where the loud sound abounds. Gonna wear my crown.

Davie said that he wanted to have the full ‘Retrophonic’ series available in CD form. A consequential overview from 2009-2019. And, his last recordings to be delivered in a tangible format.

I could not be more pleased. Well done, ‘King Fuzz!’

Comments about: ‘Words on the Loose’ may be sent to: icewritesforyou@gmail.com

Write us at: P. O. Box 365 Chardon, OH 44024

“Midnight”

c. 2019 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(4-19)

Damn the clock.

I had finished Tuesday with chicken tacos, and salad. A meal somewhat more healthy than my usual hillbilly fare here at the Ice Household. Labatt Blue Light helped make it a feast worthy of celebration. But after watching coverage of the ‘Brexit’ crisis on Sky News, via my Roku, food fatigue took hold. My eyes were burning. I wished for sunset and the cool embrace of darkness. But the schedule was set. A timeline that could not be altered.

I put my iPhone on the charger and went to bed.

Dreams fluttered through my subconscious mind without pausing. I rolled on the mattress, trying to find a comfortable position. Shadow-images crept forward, from oblivion. I was pecking away at the device keypad, trying to call my first wife. Wrong number, wrong number, no answer, wrong number. Frustration made my blood pressure rise. I tried re-starting it without success. Loud music in the background rattled my nerves. I could not concentrate. Next door, someone was practicing guitar. Yowling out stanzas of bear-voiced insanity. While slamming chunks of distorted rage into the night. Birth/death/agony/sex/tacos/gaming/Netflix/skaters/Snapchat/kittens. Roar, roar, roar.

Then, it was midnight.

I opened my eyes to see the wet nose of my Black Lab. He was excited to know that I had awakened.

Such moments follow familiar steps. First, denial. “Shit! I needed to get more rest!” Followed by anger. “Why does this happen when I drink?” Then, recognition. “I am up now. Won’t sleep again for hours.” Finally, acceptance. “Might as well make coffee.” I was glad to find my Invacare cane hanging on the bedroom doorknob. Hobbling, I slipped through the darkness toward a light still burning over the kitchen stove. Already, there were words in my head...

Awake, alive

Words on the inside

That I show to myself

For my own mental health

Friends have value

They know what to do

But most treasured by far

Are words in the dark

After starting the BUNN, I reached for my phone. The Phil Hendrie episode on PodcastOne, #1387, had not been updated. But I listened a second time. He and the ‘crew’ bantered about his long and convoluted career in radio broadcasting. Then, I flipped to YouTube and ‘1PugLife’ for a video about Chris Whitcroft’s woes with a Dodge Ram truck called ‘The Red Dragoon.’

I finished my pot of coffee and PB toast, while Wrangler snored away on the carpet. With typical irony, my being awake meant that he felt comfortable drifting off to sleep. I flipped through more channels on the Roku, finally becoming disinterested with everything. In a moment of weakness, I wished for another drink. Beer or something stronger. Perhaps a Julian-sized glass of Liquormen’s ‘Ol’ Dirty Canadian Whiskey’ as seen on ‘Trailer Park Boys.’ But practicality made me resist the temptation. I decided instead to sit at my desk.

Still groggy, I clicked on an overnight Jazz selection to ease the mood. My Black Lab followed from the living room. Before I knew it, the phone was chirping.

Somehow, it was now 4:30 a.m.!

Middle of the night

Catching ghosts by candlelight

A wordsmith with prose

A pale, yellow rose

Not fed by the sun

Fed instead by none

On this desk I stand

Me, I am

My friend Janis had sent her regular ‘wake up’ text, wishing me good morning as she got ready for work. I struggled out of the chair, stiff with arthritis. A break was welcome as I had been sitting at the computer for around three hours. My legs shook unwillingly, then straightened as I stood. Miles Davis echoed from the computer speakers. Then, Art Blakey & the Jazz Messengers. After a couple of minutes, I was able to wobble back to the kitchen.

I tapped out my own start-of-the-day greeting. Janis did not respond. I reckoned she must have been running late.

My belly felt empty again. I pondered heating up leftover taco meat. Or pulling out one of my guitars. The night had been completely fractured. Unproductive. I had story ideas to write. New shows to watch. Household chores to finish. But a lazy stupor had smothered my ambition. Not with gloom or grayness but a heavy sense of nothing. As my fingers moved over the keyboard, I wandered in thought...

Night or day?

Words to say?

A vacuum of tears

Being alone, I fear

Alone without words

This would negate my worth

I need to speak

To be free

The home office had gotten cold. It was time for bed again. Jazz music, coffee and the companionship of my dog had all worked their magic spell.

This time, I would sleep for real.

Comments about: Words on the Loose may be sent to: icewritesforyou@gamil.com

Write us at: P. O. Box 365 Chardon, OH 44024