“The Great Debate”

 

c. 2020 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(8-20)

Tuesday night.

I was up late, with my reserve of Miller Lite close at hand. Head full of ideas and belly full of macaroni-and-cheese with Huy Fong sriracha I fell asleep on the couch which had been recently elevated with the use of some discarded lumber from a deck in the family. Something that nullified the limitations of my disability.

In a beer-slumber, echoes from the day began to combine with powerful results. I had watched the evening news, with coverage of the fall election approaching, then switched to vintage videos from the 1990’s on YouTube. What resulted follows in this ad hoc manuscript:

DEBATE NIGHT CNN

Theme music plays throughout the empty studio. Because of COVID-19, there are no spectators. Then, the lights turn to two men, standing before the cameras.

Announcer: “This... is a special presentation of CNN!”

Wolf Blitzer: “Good evening America, we welcome you tonight to Atlanta for the first direct encounter between two familiar men. Mr. Donald Trump and Mr. Joe Biden. We have stationed their lecterns six feet apart, and our own desks are also an equal distance away. But their views are farther apart than that… representing a persistent divide in this nation. Tonight, we will hear their opinions and their ideas for the future.”

Donald Trump: (Looking confident) “Hello America. And I say hello, really say it bigly, believe me, a big hello, bigger than ever before...”

Joe Biden: (Smiling) “Hello, my friends.”

Erin Burnett: “Thanks, Wolf. This debate is impartially sponsored by ‘The Huffington Post’ and ‘The New York Times.’ Also by ‘The Atlantic.’ It will be a one-hour conversation with frank discussion of current events...”

Suddenly, the sound of a bell echoes through the studio. “Ding! Ding! Ding!”

Jerry Springer: “Thanks Wolf and Erin! All of that sounds great… sounds really predictable, actually… so tonight we will skip the stale rhetoric. This is 2020 after all. And with this year of chaos, we bring you a battle royal of an election. A battle between political foes dug deep into their foxholes. After the Coronavirus lockdown, nobody wants to see another long-winded debate between blowhard speakers. They want real entertainment!”

A dramatic pause elapses as swirling lights pan around the studio.

J. Springer: “DO YOU WANT TO SEE A FIGHT, AMERICA??”

W. Blitzer: (Looking horrified) “What the heck?”

E. Burnett: (Dropping her water bottle, then whispering) “Who let Springer on this show?”

Producer: (Speaking through their headsets) “Jeff Zucker wants some action for a change. Roll with it! Just say yes!”

J. Springer: “MY GUESTS ARE TWO OLD WHITE MEN WHO WANT YOUR VOTE! THE GRABBER-IN-CHIEF AND THE GUY WHO HOOKED UP HIS SON WITH A CUSHY, FOREIGN JOB! LET’S WELCOME DONALD AND JOE TO THE BIG SHOW!!!”

Canned applause is played through studio monitors.

E. Burnett: (Hushed) “This is insane!”

W. Blitzer: (Nodding) “I thought Jerry handed everything over to Steve Wilkos! Isn’t he trying to be a judge now?”

J. Springer: “For a running mate, Mr. Trump has a bland lump of flesh with the personality of a Miracle Whip sandwich. And Mr. Biden has a feisty new friend, who once called him a racist and a harasser of women. Let’s welcome our candidates to the big show!”

E. Burnett: (Trembling) “We’re all going to get fired!”

W. Blitzer: (Adjusting his tie) “Thanks Jerry. Tonight, our first question is from Javier DiSilva of Ferndale, California. Mr. Biden, what is your plan to move the country forward toward eliminating fossil-fuel vehicles on our roadways?”

J. Springer: (Shaking his head) “No… no… no… that is so yesterday, Wolf. So 1992. I ask you Mr. Biden, how would you describe your feelings when Trump calls you ‘Sleepy Joe’ and says you’ve been hiding in your basement?”

J. Biden: “I think he’s a lying, dog-paced pony soldier!”

D. Trump: “I think Joe has done badly so far in this debate. Very badly, really.”

W. Blitzer: (Wide-eyed) “Sir we are just getting started. Mr. Biden was answering his question...”

J. Biden: “I helped Barack lead this country for eight years. While Donald was counting his money at Trump Tower and chasing Stormy Daniels!”

D. Trump: (Irritated) “I’ve been treated poorly, very badly, people are saying it everywhere. Sleepy, Joe, Creepy Joe, not many people are interested in him as a candidate, really, not many people.”

E. Burnett: (Trying to regain control) “Mr. Trump, our next question is for you. From Sallay Rham Totokiki of Rockford, Michigan. She asks you to explain your plan for remaking healthcare.”

J. Springer: (Disgusted) “Boring! Booooooring! You want people to change the channel, Erin? Alright Mr. President, what is your preference between wives? Number one, two, or three?”

W. Blitzer: (Shocked) “Mother of God!”

J. Biden: (Laughing) “I tell you that Donald is worse than Jeffrey Epstein! An untrustworthy bog-swimming porch pirate!”

D. Trump: (Angry) “Fake News! CNN tried to take me down, MSNBC, all the rest. They tried very hard, tried many times. But I won a great victory in 2016, a big, big victory.”

J. Biden: (Defiant) “You won a victory getting off that island before they put Epstein in handcuffs!”

D. Trump: (Breathless) “I kicked him out of Mar-a-Lago. Kicked him out, very brutally out. I wanted nothing to do with him, nothing.”

J. Biden: (Shaking his head) “After he got caught!”

W. Blitzer: “Please, gentlemen. Let’s get back in focus!”

The fight bell sounds again. “Ding! Ding! Ding!”

J. Springer: (Gesturing over his head) “Let’s up the tempo here! We don’t want our viewers to fall asleep! In sixty seconds or less, describe each other in plain terms. Mr. Trump, you first!”

D. Trump: (Caught off guard) “I call him sleepy. I call him creepy. I say that he doesn’t know he’s alive, really doesn’t know. Doesn’t know. The liberal Democrats picked Joe, I don’t know why they picked him, sleepy and old.”

J. Biden: (Raising his voice) “We’ve got to take back America. This is a big f****** deal, as I once said. Taking America back from men like Donald. Men who grab women and lie! A parrot-haired big bag of bird seed!”

D. Trump: (Eyes narrowing) “What about Tara Reade? What about her? Has the fake news media looked into that, really? Really looked at what happened?”

Again the bell sounds, sharply. “Ding! Ding! Ding!”

J. Springer: “Biden says you’re a friend of white supremacists, Mr. President!”

D. Trump: “Isn’t that what Kamala Harris said about him? Really said?”

J. Springer: “Trump says you’re incoherent and out-to-lunch, Mr. Biden!”

J. Biden: “I promise you, the president has a big stick. I will have a big stick on inauguration day. Just like Teddy Roosevelt.”

W. Blitzer: (Whispering) “Apparently a president with small hands doesn’t have a big stick.”

E. Burnett: (Stifling her guffaws) “Wolf, you kill me sometimes! But keep your voice down.”

J. Springer: (Pumping his first in the air) “America wants a show. Everyone wants a show. Everyone wants to be entertained. I ask you two men, will you keep us on the edge of our seats for the next four years?”

“Ding! Ding! Ding!”

D. Trump: “I know ratings, know them for a long time. I understand ratings. My ratings are the highest of any president, believe me. Huuuuge!”

J. Biden: (Nodding) “I will entertain America with millions of new jobs, clean energy, equality, justice, and a firm hand against Russia! Not like Donnie here!”

D. Trump: (Skeptical) “If you don’t fall asleep after your glass of warm milk!”

J. Biden: “If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there’s still a 30% chance we’re going to get it wrong. But I’m going to get it right. That will get me ratings, the right kind of ratings.”

D. Trump: “China wants you to win! And Iran!”

J. Biden: “Russia wants you to win! You pigeon-pig stone stooge for Putin!”

D. Trump: “Friend of s***-hole countries!”

J. Biden: “Friend of Ghislaine Maxwell!”

D. Trump: “FAILING LIKE THE NEW YORK TIMES, FAILING BADLY!”

J. Biden: “GRABBING KITTY! YOU OSTRICH-BEAKED BIG BLEACHED BUM!”

“Ding! Ding! Ding!”

D. Trump: “CRYING CHUCK AND NERVOUS NANCY GIVE YOU MARCHING ORDERS, JOE!”

J. Biden: “CINNAMON-CRISP MANGO MUTTON CHEETOS DOPE! I’LL WHIP YOUR ASS!”

Secret Service agents lunge into action as both men leave their places for a face-to-face confrontation.

J. Springer: (Satisfied at last) “THANK YOU FOR TUNING IN AMERICA! This has been the first presidential election debate of 2020! For Wolf Blitzer and Erin Burnett, I am Jerry Springer! Take care of yourself! And each other!”

Announcer: “Goodnight from Atlanta!”

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