“Judge Jerry & Donald Trump”

c. 2020 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(8-20)

It was a busy day in the Court of Hades.

A line of accused spirits stretched from one end of the great cavern, to infinity. There were thousands of condemned souls awaiting punishment.

Bailiff Tar Sulpherio stood tall, with the stiff demeanor of a traffic cop. He lifted a scroll filled with names of the damned.

“All rise!” he barked, full of emotion.

Judge Lucifer Satan Beelzebub entered the chamber in a swirl of smoke and fire. “Be seated!”

Wailing echoed from the depths. The air crackled with anticipation and sorrowful regrets.

Sulpherio read from his scroll. “First, your honor, we have Valden Tork. A garbage collector from Manalapan Township, New Jersey. His crime was dragging lawn furniture away with the trash on his route, and selling those items for extra profit.”

Judge Lucifer was visibly irritated. “Wasn’t that in the plot line of a ‘Trailer Park Boys’ episode? I decree 50 years of breaking rocks, and an extra 50 for your lack of originality. Next!”

“Please, please,” Tork moaned. “I ask forgiveness...”

Bailiff Sulpherio exploded in laughter. “Forgiveness? You won’t get any of that in this court, plebeian! Try talking to Jesus!”

Lucifer shuddered. “THAT NAME! DON’T SPEAK IT HERE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”

Sulpherio bowed deferentially. “A thousand pardons, master.” He straightened his harness, then lifted the scroll again. “Next up we have Jennings Blaine from Eubank, Kentucky. His crime is posting videos on Tik Tok of his cat dressed like Lady Gaga. Dancing in kitty heels, to her songs.”

Lucifer was speechless for a moment. Then sputtered like a busted sewer pipe. “What?? What in blazes is that?? Really?”

The bailiff reread his document. “It is written here, my lord.”

“That’s quite stupid, I admit,” Judge Lucifer chortled. “But does it really qualify as a sin?”

Sulpherio nodded defiantly. “The sin of idiocy! It is written, sir. Let it be adjudicated!”

Lucifer shrugged and tapped his gavel on the desk. “I decree one year of sifting sand by the Lake of Fire. Plus a year of being shunned due to your failure to think of a better sin for this court!”

Sulpherio fumbled with his scroll to find another entry. There was tension on his face.

“And next time be more diplomatic with your protests, bailiff!” Lucifer shouted. “Or you’ll join these wailing prisoners on my work detail!”

The bailiff wiped sweat from his brow. “Yes, yes, again I beg your pardon, lord!”

Mumbling filled the chamber.

“Next up, we have Horton Flick,” Sulpherio read. “From Challis, Idaho. His crime was spreading a rumor that President Donald Trump has contracted a terminal illness… and may miss the 2020 election.”

Flick struggled with his chains. He was stocky and pale. “That was no internet fable. The Cheeto-in-Chief is sick, I tell you!”

Judge Lucifer sat back on his throne. “What?? I’ve heard nothing of this, foolish man!”

Sulpherio snickered. “Sentence him, your honor. Let him be gone!”

“No!” Flick pleaded. “I uncovered the story while networking with other gamers. It’s true, Mister Satan. Listen to me!”

Lucifer leaned forward to hear. “You intrigue me, little man. Trump is ill? We might get him down here, you say?”

Sulpherio chided the judge. “Don’t listen, master. Don’t listen to him!”

Flick rubbed his red eyes. “Check for yourself! Peer into his soul!”

Lucifer laughed like a child. “I’ve owned his soul for years! But his body, that is living tissue. I can tempt him, cajole him, persuade him… but his flesh was made by the creator.”

Sulpherio bowed in reflection. “He who must not be named.”

“DAMN GOD AND HIS ANGELS!” Lucifer yowled. “THEY LEAVE ME HERE TO JUDGE IDIOTS WHEN I SHOULD BE REIGNING OVER HEAVEN!”

Flick shivered from fear. “Log onto Twitter, Mister Satan. It’s all there, I promise you!”

Lucifer could not control his anger. “TWITTER? YOU WANT THE LORD OF HADES TO GO ON TWITTER???”

Sulpherio covered his grin.

Flick coughed, quietly. “It’s there, it’s there, nobody believes of course. Trump may not see the fall election. I swear!”

Lucifer turned to the side and gestured with an outstretched finger. Light glowed on the cavern wall, making the craggy surface come alive. He stared into the luminescent display. “Yes… yes… I see. Entry after entry. At Walter Reed Hospital… an IV bruise on his hand… carrying newspapers… interesting!”

Sulpherio brightened. “Ha ha, if he comes down here, you can judge him at last, lord!”

Flick swelled with vindication. “You see? I committed no sin! I was right!”

Lucifer turned off the display. His head began to throb. He closed his eyes. Fighting invisible pain, he covered his ears. An unspoken message swelled his skull.

“YES GOD, YESSS! YESSS!” he hissed. “STOP! STOP! STOP!”

Sulpherio and Flick both went into spasms. “What is wrong? What is Wrongggg?”

Lucifer raised his head, weakly. “The voice of EUHS. I am being sanctioned.”

Flick was confused. “Who?”

Bailiff Sulpherio felt out of breath. “The Eternal Union of Heavenly Souls! Why did they reach out to you, my lord?”

Judge Lucifer was exhausted from the silent contact. “Discipline for an innocent soul. They are forcing me to step aside. Damn this miscreant! I thought Idaho was a place for potatoes, not political rumors!”

Flick stood completely upright. “I was correct?”

Lucifer pounded his gavel. “ONLY HALF RIGHT, YOU FAT LITTLE TOAD! THE STORIES ARE TRUE BUT TRUMP MUST FACE HIS JUDGMENT WITH THE LIVING, NOT HERE IN HELL! I WON’T GET HIM JUST YET!”

Flick was stunned. “So I am free… to go?”

Lucifer swung his gavel like a club. “YES! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! OUT OF HELL! GET THE HELL OUT OF HELL BEFORE I THINK OF ANOTHER REASON TO PUNISH YOU IN THIS CHAMBER!”

Bailiff Sulpherio picked up his scroll. “Next up, we have Rhonda Ronk from Chardon, Ohio...”

“BLAST THAT!” Lucifer growled angrily. I am done for the day. Let the rest of these miserable minions wait until tomorrow. I need to do something for this headache...”

Sulpherio bowed gracefully. “But if you can’t pass sentence on Donald Trump, then who will, master?”

Lucifer tried to soothe his pain with a cup of pumice brine. “God in his infinite wisdom, and with counsel from the EUHS has decreed that the president will be judged by a member of the living world. Not by me, the Lord of Hell.”

Sulpherio looked puzzled. “But, who among the mortal world would be fit to serve justice on a fellow like Trump? A crafty, conniving cheater and a skilled liar extraordinaire? Who is stained and soiled enough to hand down judgment to such a rascal?”

Lucifer rubbed his temples. “GOD! GOD HIMSELF HAS CHOSEN JUDGE JERRY… JERRY SPRINGER! ANOTHER SOUL I CAN’T STEAL JUST YET! NOW DON’T MAKE ME SPEAK OF THE HOLY FATHER AGAIN!”

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