c. 2020 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(7-20)
Long after dark.
For this writer, the
appeal of hours spent awake after sunset has often been a subject
worthy of analysis in print. Since childhood, this habit of a ‘night
owl’ has been both familiar and conducive to inspiring creative
projects. A recent example appeared as I sat in my living room on a
weekend morning. The clock was approaching 4:00 a.m. and I had
finished two cups of coffee.
After watching an
episode of ‘1PugLife’ from Canada, and playing a Phil Hendrie
netcast on my iPhone, a lull of energy had me slumping in my chair.
But as I scrolled through clips on YouTube, via my Roku streaming
device, a familiar face appeared like a beacon shining through the
darkness of fatigue and emptiness.
Jerry Springer.
The post was of his
1995 recording, ‘Dr. Talk.’ I remembered buying the album at some
point. An act that was predictable for a record collector with a tilt
toward such bits of disposable pop-culture.
With a click of the
remote, I slipped backward in time to that moment of lyrical abandon:
“You… say..
things...
Aren’t going
well
You’re halfway
to hell
You’ve lost
everything that counts
Gone is your
spouse
And maybe the
house
All you haven’t
lost are pounds
The kids are
bawling
Creditors calling
When did life
become this curse?
The car won’t
run
Your days seem
done
Could things ever
get any worse?
But then there’s
Oprah, Phil, and Sally
And Jerry
Springer too
A little dose of
a talk show host
You won’t seem
quite as blue
‘Cause if
that’s the world or part of it
Where madams are
sometimes sirs
You’ll quit
complaining, things could be worse
Those calamities
could be yours.”
The
descent of Springer from a legitimate thinker, political aide, mayor,
television commentator, and interviewer – to the garbage heap of
‘Trash TV’ has been documented by many. But this artifact from
the studio floor, a disc suited to be on the shelf next to ‘Morton
Downey Jr. Sings’ provided an extra wrinkle to his legacy.
Versions
of ‘Hey Mr. Tambourine Man’ and ‘Talk Back Trembling Lips’
stretched the limits of audio credulity. But the title track was
something more insightful. An anthem. Crafted perfectly to repeat on
his show at dramatic moments when guests tipped the scales toward
personal collapse and a complete surrender of inhibitions:
“I… mean…
that...
Stuff on there
will raise your hair
You’ll do a
double take
Like a pretty
John with high heels on
Out looking for a
date
Or that big,
bald-headed woman
With a tattoo on
her face
Who swears she
was abducted by a man from outer space
Now I know your
lover left you
With who you
thought was your best friend
And the dog you
taught to fetch a ball
Just bit you in
your rear end
But remember that
guy on Springer
Who cried and
fought and swore
That last week he
talked to Elvis
At a Memphis
Walmart store
Well the dog
bite…
It’ll heal
And the hurting
It’s just a cut
And the lover who
left you
Well it’s best
that he did
He’ll probably
wind up on his butt
So give thanks
for life
Even when it’s
not the best
You see, there’s
always worse…
You could be a
talk show guest!”
A
third cup of coffee helped focus my thoughts on the memory of ‘Dr.
Talk.’ I recalled that Springer performed a version of the song in
his movie ‘Ringmaster’ from 1998. Dressed in cowpoke duds and
looking much like the sort of surreal figure that might have appeared
on one of his shows:
“But then
there’s Oprah, Phil, and Sally
And Jerry
Springer too
A little dose of
a talk show host
You won’t seem
quite as blue
‘Cause if
that’s the world or part of it
Where madams are
sometimes sirs
You’ll quit
complaining, things could be worse
Those calamities
could be yours.”
Also
included on YouTube was a video of Springer performing the song in a
club. Likely a promotional offering to tout the song when it was
released. I hadn’t seen it before.
In
yonder days, my affection for episodes of Jerry Springer’s program
had caused some marital difficulty in the household. My wife
shuddered each time his opening theme was played on-air. When I
bought a figure of the TV host through ebay, she forbade me from
displaying it in our living room. Jerry’s likeness was banished to
my home office. Particularly after working long hours, I liked to
relax on our couch and play old VHS tapes of his most notable
altercations. I would enjoy a cold brew and cheer for each fight like
a boxing match.
My
favorite collection was a volume of ‘Jerry Springer Too Hot For
TV.’ She hated the tape passionately.
Eventually,
my marriage dissolved and the Springer tape disappeared. I had
corresponded with him, via postal mail, and he sent a glossy photo as
a keepsake. But that also vanished in the mess of my personal
archives. I remembered suggesting that he make a tour of trailer-park
communities, across America. And that he embark on a tour of France,
something I reckoned would spotlight the contrast between our
cultures. Theirs, as a nation of great history and art. Ours, as a
land of tin and plastic, dispensed for quick commercial gain.
My
random encounter on the Roku brought everything back into focus. Once
again, ‘Dr. Talk’ had spoken.
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‘Words on the Loose’ may be sent to: icewritesforyou@gmail.com
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