c. 2020 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(1-20)
The Setting:
Washington, D. C., in the Oval Office
The Players: Donald
Trump, 45th President of the United States; NFL
Commissioner Roger Goodell; Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys;
Jimmy Haslam, owner of the Cleveland Browns; Lucifer Satan, Lord of
Hell
Donald Trump: “Thank
you for coming here this morning, thank you. Much thanks. Many
thanks.”
Roger Goodell: “Mr.
President, when you call, we answer.”
Jerry Jones: “I’m
used to folks answerin’ when I call, you know?”
Jimmy Haslam: “No
one answers when I call anymore.”
Lucifer Satan:
(Chuckles to himself.) “I just showed up for free coffee and
donuts.”
D. Trump: “See, I
called this meeting to talk. And we’re talking. Big talk. A big
talk we’re having.”
R. Goodell: “But
what are we talking about, Mr. President?”
D. Trump:
“Headlines, Roger. It’s all about headlines.”
J. Jones:
“Headlines? I get those every time Stephen A. Smith rips me on
ESPN!”
L. Satan: “I get
headlines from you mortals. Shooting each other, spreading hate…
leaving your grocery cart in the middle of the parking lot. Doing my
work so I get an extra coffee break in the morning. You guys are
fantastic.”
J. Haslam: “I
don’t want anymore headlines.”
D. Trump: “See
Jimmy, there, you said it. No more headlines. But you keep getting
them, keep grabbing them, like I grab the ladies, grabbing, grabbing.
My presidency was built on headlines. Headlines bring me attention
and voters. Voters vote. That is why I won bigly...”
R. Goodell: “Sir,
what does this have to do with football?”
D. Trump: “Jimmy
keeps getting the headlines. For his team losing games, for firing a
coach, for losing more games, for firing another coach. For firing a
general manager. Fire everybody. YOU’RE FIRED!”
J. Jones: “Boy, I
don’t get your point!”
R. Goodell: “I
don’t either!”
J. Haslam: “I’m
just glad to get away from Cleveland. They want to toss me in Lake
Erie with concrete galoshes.”
L. Satan: (Grins
widely) “That could be fun. Can you swim?”
D. Trump: “My
point is huuuge, a big point. Very big. I love headlines. They got me
here. Headlines make Nervous Nancy and Fake Tears Chuck look like
losers. Like the failing New York Times. Like CNN. Headlines I need.
I need headlines.”
R. Goodell: “Okay,
Mr. President. So how are we involved?”
D. Trump: “Jimmy
Haslam. I want to call you ‘Has-Been Haslam.’ You keep getting in
my way.”
J. Jones: “Huh?
Boy you talk like a cow drops patties!”
D. Trump: “You
too, Jerry! You are in my way! You and Jimmy!”
L. Satan: “Did you
have any more donuts? This meeting is getting stale.”
R. Goodell: “What
was your point, Mr. President?”
D. Trump: “The
media, the fake news bobbleheads, they keep talking. Not about me
anymore, they talk about Jimmy and Jerry. About the Cleveland Browns
meltdown. Melting down, burning, a dumpster fire. YOU’RE FIRED! And
about the Dallas Cowboys, lots of money, big money, lots of talent.
But another train wreck.”
There is a pause as
the group stares at each other silently.
D. Trump:
“HEADLINES!”
R. Goodell: “You
mean the media is talking about Jimmy and Jerry? Instead of you?”
L. Satan: (On his
third donut) “Talk, talk. I like to see flames. Hot, scorching
flames that consume the souls of mortal minions!”
J. Haslam: “Dang
it, Beelzebub, you sure are a drama hog.”
L. Satan: (Laughing)
“Think about it, you have ruined as many souls among your fans in
Cleveland. Bringing torture every year. Actually, we are in the same
business...”
D. Trump: “In
2016, I got headlines. Every day. They called me a Russian spy,
called me Hitler, called me the ‘Cheeto in Chief’ or all kinds of
things. Terrible things. Sad things. But now I don’t even get
mentioned on Fox & Friends. No mention. It is all about football.
About these franchises that drain money from cities and then break
their hearts. Broken, broken hearts. I want them to talk about me
draining the swamp!”
R. Goodell: “So…
what are we supposed to do, Mr. President?”
D. Trump: “Roger,
I want you to fix this! Fix, fix, fix. Give me back my headlines!”
L. Satan: (Winking)
“I gotta say, this all sounds great to me. Very chaotic. You
mortals are entertaining when you writhe in pain.”
J. Jones: “All I
want to do is win!”
J. Haslam: “And
all I want to do is win!”
D. Trump:
(Brightening) “Winning is what I do. I win bigly, I win every day.
I win with China, I win with Russia, I’m going to win with Iran and
North Korea, believe me...”
R. Goodell: “Mr.
President, I can’t give you back your headlines.”
D. Trump: (Angry)
“WHAT DID YOU SAY?”
R. Goodell: (Rubbing
his eyes) “Look, sir, the league made a deal with Art Modell. He
was one of us. He got screwed by Cleveland. They should have taken
better care of him with a new stadium. But they didn’t. They had a
fit when he moved the team to Baltimore. Any other city had just
accepted losing a team. But not the damn people in northeastern Ohio…
so a price had to be paid...”
L. Satan: (Cocky)
“Roger, don’t be a pig. Give me some credit for helping to deepen
their gloom.”
R. Goodell:
(Embarrassed) “Yes, ol’ Beelzebub is right, ha ha, we struck a
lifetime deal there. Cleveland will never win anything. Plus, half
their fans donned black and yellow. They root for the Steelers,
always a hated rival. It has been ugly since the franchise came back
in 1999.”
L. Satan: (Defiant)
“Traitors are my bread and butter.”
J. Jones: “But
what about me?”
R. Goodell: “It’s
that thing about being ‘America’s Team.’ Horseshit, really. You
know that label really belongs to the Patriots.”
J. Jones: (Going
red) “Screw Tom Brady! Screw Bill Belichick!”
D. Trump: “I like
the Patriots. They are winners. They know how to win.”
J. Jones: “I know
how to win!”
L. Satan: “You and
Jimmy know how to lose. Hahahahahaha!!! The Cowboys make their fans
suffer first, by giving them hope. I find that… delicious. Like
these donuts!”
D. Trump: “You
know how to steal my headlines!”
R. Goodell: “Sorry,
Mr. President. Our bargain with Beelzebub is bigger than you. Bigger
than America. Bigger than a world market for our products. It is
about… football.”
L. Satan: (Glowing
with the energy of burning coals) “The everlasting agony… the
crushed spirits and broken dreams… all caused by losing!”
D. Trump: “I’m
not a loser. I don’t lose. Ever.”
R. Goodell: (Bowing
his head) “Sorry, Mr. President. Today, you do. Just like football
fans in Cleveland and Dallas.”
Comments about
‘Words on the Loose’ may be sent to: icewritesforyou@gmail.com
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