“Peachy Christmas”

c. 2019 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(12-19)

The Place: Washington, D.C.

The Setting: The Oval Office

The Time: Christmas Eve Morning

The Players: Donald J. Trump, 45^th President of the United States; Mick Mulvaney, White House Chief of Staff; Laura Geilbaum, PhD

Donald Trump: “Good morning, Mick. Did you bring my Coke?”

Mick Mulvaney: “Good morning! Mr. President, I am not your waiter, I am in charge of your daily schedule and the gatekeeper for...”

D. Trump: “Mick, I start the day with a Coke. Every day. The day is beautiful with a Coke.”

M. Mulvaney: (Flustered) “Yes, Mr. President.”

D. Trump: “It is Christmas Eve. I always have Coke for Christmas.”

M. Mulvaney: “Sir, we have important issues to discuss...”

D. Trump: (Speaking into the intercom) “I want a Coke. Do you hear me? Hello? Hello?”

M. Mulvaney: “Sir, there has been an article published in the magazine ‘Christianity Today.’ An editorial, I should say. One that calls for your removal from office.”

D. Trump: “Removal? Nancy Pelosi wants me removed. She wrote in this magazine?”

M. Mulvaney: “No Mr. President. The editorial was written by Mark Galli. He is in charge of the publication which was begun by Rev. Billy Graham in 1956.”

D. Trump: “Billy Graham?”

M. Mulvaney: “Yes sir.”

D. Trump: “Pelosi has nothing. Not a thing. You need things to impeach, lots of things. Big things. Huuuuuge things, you need. Lots of things.”

M. Mulvaney: “Sir, you were formally impeached by the House of Representatives...”

D. Trump: “You can’t impeach with no things! No evidence. No nothing!”

M. Mulvaney: “It was done, Mr. President.”

D. Trump: “So what did this Galli guy say in his editorial? Nobody knows him, nobody reads his magazine, nobody.”

M. Mulvaney: “Mr. Galli wrote ‘But the facts are unambiguous. The president of the United States attempted to use his political power to coerce a foreign leader to harass and discredit one of the president’s political opponents. That is not only a violation of the Constitution; more importantly, it is profoundly immoral.’”

D. Trump: “Nothing. He has nothing. Pelosi has nothing. I did nothing.”

M. Mulvaney: “Sir, your protests have been ridiculed by the media.”

D. Trump: “I watched Fox & Friends yesterday and they liked what I said. Liked it very much. Liked it a lot.”

M. Mulvaney: “Mr. Galli wrote ‘His Twitter feed alone – with its habitual string of mischaracterizations, lies, and slanders – is a near perfect example of a human being who is morally lost and confused.’”

D. Trump: (Sipping his Coke) “Who is this guy? Gall-i. Pelos-i. They sound alike. I think that is a fake name. More fake. Fake news!”

M. Mulvaney: “Sir, the magazine has a worldwide circulation...”

D. Trump: (Reddening) “I never heard of him. Galli. What kind of a name is Galli?”

M. Mulvaney: (Bowing his head) “Mr. President, Billy Graham was known by millions of people around the globe. Having the editor-in-chief of a magazine he founded come out in support of your removal from office is a big deal...”

D. Trump: (Defiant) “I have the Christian vote, Mick. Have it right here in my pocket. Right here! I have priests, I have bishops, I have rabbis even, lots of them, lots of preachers, lots of ministers. Lots of them.”

M. Mulvaney: “Sir, some have written that your base is beginning to come apart.”

D. Trump: (Angry) “Nothing. I did nothing. I have lost nothing. I give up no things!”

M. Mulvaney: “Nancy Pelosi says she prays for you...”

D. Trump: (Spitting) “I don’t need a prayer. I don’t need her, nobody needs her. She is a loser, a liberal loser, like Joe Biden, ‘Sleepy Joe’ as I call him.”

M. Mulvaney: (Looking at his watch) “Sir, it is nine o’clock. Your first visitor of the morning will be here, a professor from Cornell University.”

D. Trump: (Caught off guard) “A visitor? On Christmas Eve, a visitor? Someone visiting on Christmas Eve?”

M. Mulvaney: (Befuddled) “The schedule is tight, sir. Senator McConnell thought she should see you.”

D. Trump: “Mitch? Mitch knows her?”

M. Mulvaney: “Apparently. He thought she might be of help. During this situation with impeachment.”

D. Trump: “There is no situation. No nothing. This is a peachy day, not im-peachy. I feel peachy. I feel perfect, like my call to Ukraine.”

Dr. Laura Geilbaum: (Entering the room) “Hello Mr. President. It is a pleasure to meet you.”

D. Trump: (Graciously) “Good morning!”

M. Mulvaney: “A pleasure to have you here...”

D. Trump: “Get her a Coke, Mick!”

Dr. Laura: “No thank you, Mr. President. I am here to talk with you about impeachment. Senator McConnell thought we might discuss some ideas to get through this situation...”

D. Trump: “Situation? What situation? I don’t feel impeached. Not at all.”

Dr. Laura: (Blushing) “Sir, you were formally impeached by the House of Representatives on December 18th.”

D. Trump: “But I am still here, still in charge, still in office. Nancy has nothing, the Democrats have nothing.”

Dr. Laura: “Mr. President, that is something I wanted to address. You seem to minimize powerful women. Like Hillary Clinton or Nancy Pelosi. But you are obsessed with them, undeniably. You talk about them often...”

D. Trump: (Shaking his head) “Nancy? With Nancy I am obsessed?”

Dr. Laura: “Sir, you speak about her frequently. I have to ask… do you secretly find her attractive?”

D. Trump: (Cursing) “WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY?”

Dr. Laura: “Nancy looks remarkable for a woman of 79. Do you agree?”

D. Trump: “A hag she is, an old hag, her husband wouldn’t want her, like Hillary, nobody would want her. I know beautiful women, all of my wives were beautiful, my Melania is beautiful.”

Dr. Laura: (Smiling) “Are you intimidated by her stature and physical appeal, Mr. President?”

D. Trump: (Angry) “No one intimidates me. No one. Maybe John Wayne if he were alive still. Maybe. Maybe Chuck Norris would. Maybe. Nancy does not intimidate me.”

Dr Laura: (Nodding) “Sir, I suspect that you are afraid of Speaker Pelosi. Afraid of how she makes you feel. Afraid of your desire for her and your fear that she is the one in control...”

M. Mulvaney: (Silently laughing, covers his mouth)

D. Trump: (Standing up) “Get out! Mick, get her out! Tell Mitch McConnell I threw his friend out of this office! Do you hear me? Hear me now! Do you hear me now? GET OUT!!!”

Dr. Laura: (Lowering her eyes) “I apologize, Mr. President. Sincerely, sir. I am sorry...”

D. Trump: “OUT! OUT! OUT!!!”

M. Mulvaney: (Embarrassed) “Thank you, Dr. Geilbaum.”

D. Trump: (Back to sipping his Coke) “Okay. Who else is here today, Mitch? (He pants to catch his breath) “Who else, Mitch?”

M. Mulvaney: (Defeated) “No one, sir. It is Christmas Eve.”

D. Trump: “I still have to find a gift for Melania. A great gift, a perfect gift.”

M. Mulvaney: “Very good, Mr. President.”

D. Trump: “I feel peachy today, Mick. This is going to be a peachy Christmas!”

M. Mulvaney: (Slumped against the desk) “Yes, Mr. President.”

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