c. 2019 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(12-19)
The Place:
Washington, D.C.
The Setting: The
Oval Office
The Time: Christmas
Eve Morning
The Players: Donald
J. Trump, 45th President of the United States; Mick
Mulvaney, White House Chief of Staff; Laura Geilbaum, PhD
Donald Trump: “Good
morning, Mick. Did you bring my Coke?”
Mick Mulvaney: “Good
morning! Mr. President, I am not your waiter, I am in charge of your
daily schedule and the gatekeeper for...”
D. Trump: “Mick, I
start the day with a Coke. Every day. The day is beautiful with a
Coke.”
M. Mulvaney:
(Flustered) “Yes, Mr. President.”
D. Trump: “It is
Christmas Eve. I always have Coke for Christmas.”
M. Mulvaney: “Sir,
we have important issues to discuss...”
D. Trump: (Speaking
into the intercom) “I want a Coke. Do you hear me? Hello? Hello?”
M. Mulvaney: “Sir,
there has been an article published in the magazine ‘Christianity
Today.’ An editorial, I should say. One that calls for your removal
from office.”
D. Trump: “Removal?
Nancy Pelosi wants me removed. She wrote in this magazine?”
M. Mulvaney: “No
Mr. President. The editorial was written by Mark Galli. He is in
charge of the publication which was begun by Rev. Billy Graham in
1956.”
D. Trump: “Billy
Graham?”
M. Mulvaney: “Yes
sir.”
D. Trump: “Pelosi
has nothing. Not a thing. You need things to impeach, lots of things.
Big things. Huuuuuge things, you need. Lots of things.”
M. Mulvaney: “Sir,
you were formally impeached by the House of Representatives...”
D. Trump: “You
can’t impeach with no things! No evidence. No nothing!”
M. Mulvaney: “It
was done, Mr. President.”
D. Trump: “So what
did this Galli guy say in his editorial? Nobody knows him, nobody
reads his magazine, nobody.”
M. Mulvaney: “Mr.
Galli wrote ‘But the facts are unambiguous. The president of the
United States attempted to use his political power to coerce a
foreign leader to harass and discredit one of the president’s
political opponents. That is not only a violation of the
Constitution; more importantly, it is profoundly immoral.’”
D. Trump: “Nothing.
He has nothing. Pelosi has nothing. I did nothing.”
M. Mulvaney: “Sir,
your protests have been ridiculed by the media.”
D. Trump: “I
watched Fox & Friends yesterday and they liked what I said. Liked
it very much. Liked it a lot.”
M. Mulvaney: “Mr.
Galli wrote ‘His Twitter feed alone – with its habitual string of
mischaracterizations, lies, and slanders – is a near perfect
example of a human being who is morally lost and confused.’”
D. Trump: (Sipping
his Coke) “Who is this guy? Gall-i. Pelos-i. They sound alike. I
think that is a fake name. More fake. Fake news!”
M. Mulvaney: “Sir,
the magazine has a worldwide circulation...”
D. Trump:
(Reddening) “I never heard of him. Galli. What kind of a name is
Galli?”
M. Mulvaney: (Bowing
his head) “Mr. President, Billy Graham was known by millions of
people around the globe. Having the editor-in-chief of a magazine he
founded come out in support of your removal from office is a big
deal...”
D. Trump: (Defiant)
“I have the Christian vote, Mick. Have it right here in my pocket.
Right here! I have priests, I have bishops, I have rabbis even, lots
of them, lots of preachers, lots of ministers. Lots of them.”
M. Mulvaney: “Sir,
some have written that your base is beginning to come apart.”
D. Trump: (Angry)
“Nothing. I did nothing. I have lost nothing. I give up no things!”
M. Mulvaney: “Nancy
Pelosi says she prays for you...”
D. Trump: (Spitting)
“I don’t need a prayer. I don’t need her, nobody needs her. She
is a loser, a liberal loser, like Joe Biden, ‘Sleepy Joe’ as I
call him.”
M. Mulvaney:
(Looking at his watch) “Sir, it is nine o’clock. Your first
visitor of the morning will be here, a professor from Cornell
University.”
D. Trump: (Caught
off guard) “A visitor? On Christmas Eve, a visitor? Someone
visiting on Christmas Eve?”
M. Mulvaney:
(Befuddled) “The schedule is tight, sir. Senator McConnell thought
she should see you.”
D. Trump: “Mitch?
Mitch knows her?”
M. Mulvaney:
“Apparently. He thought she might be of help. During this situation
with impeachment.”
D. Trump: “There
is no situation. No nothing. This is a peachy day, not im-peachy. I
feel peachy. I feel perfect, like my call to Ukraine.”
Dr. Laura Geilbaum:
(Entering the room) “Hello Mr. President. It is a pleasure to meet
you.”
D. Trump:
(Graciously) “Good morning!”
M. Mulvaney: “A
pleasure to have you here...”
D. Trump: “Get her
a Coke, Mick!”
Dr. Laura: “No
thank you, Mr. President. I am here to talk with you about
impeachment. Senator McConnell thought we might discuss some ideas to
get through this situation...”
D. Trump:
“Situation? What situation? I don’t feel impeached. Not at all.”
Dr. Laura:
(Blushing) “Sir, you were formally impeached by the House of
Representatives on December 18th.”
D. Trump: “But I
am still here, still in charge, still in office. Nancy has nothing,
the Democrats have nothing.”
Dr. Laura: “Mr.
President, that is something I wanted to address. You seem to
minimize powerful women. Like Hillary Clinton or Nancy Pelosi. But
you are obsessed with them, undeniably. You talk about them often...”
D. Trump: (Shaking
his head) “Nancy? With Nancy I am obsessed?”
Dr. Laura: “Sir,
you speak about her frequently. I have to ask… do you secretly find
her attractive?”
D. Trump: (Cursing)
“WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY?”
Dr. Laura: “Nancy
looks remarkable for a woman of 79. Do you agree?”
D. Trump: “A hag
she is, an old hag, her husband wouldn’t want her, like Hillary,
nobody would want her. I know beautiful women, all of my wives were
beautiful, my Melania is beautiful.”
Dr. Laura: (Smiling)
“Are you intimidated by her stature and physical appeal, Mr.
President?”
D. Trump: (Angry)
“No one intimidates me. No one. Maybe John Wayne if he were alive
still. Maybe. Maybe Chuck Norris would. Maybe. Nancy does not
intimidate me.”
Dr Laura: (Nodding)
“Sir, I suspect that you are afraid of Speaker Pelosi. Afraid of
how she makes you feel. Afraid of your desire for her and your fear
that she is the one in control...”
M. Mulvaney:
(Silently laughing, covers his mouth)
D. Trump: (Standing
up) “Get out! Mick, get her out! Tell Mitch McConnell I threw his
friend out of this office! Do you hear me? Hear me now! Do you hear
me now? GET OUT!!!”
Dr. Laura: (Lowering
her eyes) “I apologize, Mr. President. Sincerely, sir. I am
sorry...”
D. Trump: “OUT!
OUT! OUT!!!”
M. Mulvaney:
(Embarrassed) “Thank you, Dr. Geilbaum.”
D. Trump: (Back to
sipping his Coke) “Okay. Who else is here today, Mitch? (He pants
to catch his breath) “Who else, Mitch?”
M. Mulvaney:
(Defeated) “No one, sir. It is Christmas Eve.”
D. Trump: “I still
have to find a gift for Melania. A great gift, a perfect gift.”
M. Mulvaney: “Very
good, Mr. President.”
D. Trump: “I feel
peachy today, Mick. This is going to be a peachy Christmas!”
M. Mulvaney:
(Slumped against the desk) “Yes, Mr. President.”
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