“Crazy Helmet Guy”

c. 2019 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(11-19)

The Setting: Washington, D. C., the White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

The Players: President Donald J. Trump; Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney

-------

Mick Mulvaney: “Good morning Mr. President.”

Donald J. Trump: “Mick, where is my Coke? I like to start the day with a Coke, it’s still the real thing you know, believe me...”

M. Mulvaney: “Sir, we have some important news items to discuss.”

DJT: “Put on Fox & Friends, I like the news they give. Not fake news, the real news, the news people want to hear, not CNN with their hoaxes of Russia and quid pro quo, sad, sad news...”

M. Mulvaney: “Sir every network is running coverage of the impeachment hearings.”

DJT: “That’s a bad word, Mick, a very bad word. Very bad. I don’t like that word.”

M. Mulvaney: “The only other story this morning is a follow-up about Myles Garrett and the Cleveland Browns.”

DJT: “Miles Davis? The guy with his trumpet? A jazz guy. I never liked Jazz… I like Toby Keith, he played for my inauguration. A great concert, the best of any great concert, very great.”

M. Mulvaney: “Myles Garrett, sir. A defensive end for the Cleveland Browns. He was attacked by Mason Rudolph, a quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Rudolph tried to strip his helmet and kicked him in the groin. But Garrett got the upper hand, grabbed Rudolph’s helmet, and bashed him in the skull. He has been suspended indefinitely.”

DJT: “Bashed him with a helmet?”

M. Mulvaney: “Yes, Mr. President.”

DJT: “The Cleveland Browns. A Brown hit a Steeler.”

M. Mulvaney: “Essentially, yes.”

DJT: “The Steelers are winners. I like winners. The Browns are losers. Very bad losers. Losing 0-16 for the season, losing badly like Nancy Pelosi and the failing New York Times...”

M. Mulvaney: “Sir, I was trying to make the point that the news cycle today is about those two stories, impeachment and Mr. Garrett.”

DJT: “Garrett sounds crazy. Like a crazy helmet guy, swinging a helmet...”

M. Mulvaney: “He is being portrayed that way.”

DJT: (Smiling) “I would call that NOT fake news.”

M. Mulvaney: “News clips have been carefully edited so they offer no clue of what actually happened. They don’t show Mr. Rudolph instigating the fight. Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin claims not to know if his team did anything to make the incident happen.”

DJT: “Winners win, they don’t make things happen. They don’t make helmets swing. It’s a job, Mick, a job like how you come here in the morning and get me Coke when I ask for it… Coca Colaaaaa.”

M. Mulvaney: (Embarrassed) “Sir, I am your Chief of Staff!”

DJT: (Laughing loudly) “My Chief of Coke you are, Mick!”

M. Mulvaney: (Grabs his stomach) “Mr. President, you need to take the impeachment hearings seriously.”

DJT: “Witch hunt. Another witch hunt. People care about football much more than Adam Schiff, believe me, more than Nancy Pelosi. If this ‘Crazy Helmet Guy’ is swinging at another player, at a winner, a winning player, that is bigger news.”

M. Mulvaney: (Red-faced) “The Steelers lost, sir. Cleveland 21, Pittsburgh 7. But I should never have mentioned that story.”

DJT: “I would fire the crazy guy just like Kaepernick. Go ahead and kneel, BAM! You’re fired, you’re out of here...”

M. Mulvaney: “That was also on the news, the NFL intended to give Kaepernick a workout, available to all 32 teams.”

DJT: “FIRE HIM! Kneeling on the flag? FIRED! Fired, out, out, fired.”

M. Mulvaney: “He did not kneel on the flag, sir, he took a knee during the anthem.”

DJT: “OUT! Fired. Out.”

M. Mulvaney: (Shaking his head) “Anyway, the Myles Garrett story is not related in any way.”

DJT: “You have a crazy guy, the sad ‘Crazy Helmet Guy,’ and a kneeler. And Adam Schiff, I call him ‘Shifty Schiff.’ The worst failure in Congress. Very, very bad.”

M. Mulvaney: “Sir, my original intention was to discuss how we could gain some positive coverage in this news cycle.”

DJT: (Defiant) “Fake news, it is all fake, except for the helmet guy. Fire him for hitting a Steeler, Steelers win, I like winning! I know winning, like how I beat Hillary!”

M. Mulvaney: “Mr. President, the story is starting to turn. People read that the NFL refused to suspend Rudolph even though he instigated the entire incident. Opinions are fluid on the subject. Just like those who are hearing the mountain of evidence against you, and are opening their minds to impeachment. We need to grab some positive headlines. Before your presidency is lost.”

DJT: (Angry) “Nothing is lost, Mick, I don’t lose, I’m not a loser. I am a winner. A WINNER. I win. I don’t bash people in the head with a helmet, I don’t need a helmet at all. I win. I WIN BIGLY!”

M. Mulvaney: (Flustered) “Mr. President, we are completely off the track here...”

DJT: (Picking up the phone) “Get me Roger Goodell. I’m going to tell the commissioner to fire ‘Crazy Helmet Guy’ that son-of-a-bitch. Get him out! He is taking up news time on Fox & Friends, he does not deserve that time, I need that time to fight the witch hunt...”

M. Mulvaney: “Sir, the league is a private entity. It does not serve the government.”

DJT: (Confused) “I am president of everything, Mick, president of it all. All America. Left coast to right coast, all of it.”

M. Mulvaney: “Mr. President, the NFL is a sports league. Essentially a private business.”

DJT: (Roaring) “Mick, we have a crazy guy with a helmet, swinging the helmet at a winner, a Steeler, a Steeler winner. Taking up news time. Making people not pay attention to the witch hunt against me, another hoax...”

M. Mulvaney: (Dejected) “You are really going to call the NFL offices. Like you called the president of Ukraine?”

DJT: (Satisfied) “I want Roger Goodell on the phone here. And then I am going to call in to Fox & Friends. This morning, we start winning again! WINNING!”

M. Mulvaney: (Defeated) “Okay sir... Did you want a Coke this morning?”

DJT: (Triumphant) “Yes. A Coke. I want a Coke. Yes I do!”

Comments about ‘Words on the Loose’ may be sent to: icewritesforyou@gmail.com

Write us at: P. O. Box 365 Chardon, OH 44024