“Lucifer, Bored”

c. 2018 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(10-19)

It was a boring day in Hell.

Lucifer Satan, king of the underworld, sat on his throne of skulls with a mood of restless impatience. He sniffed the air for a hint of hot ash from lake of fire. But there was nothing. Simply the stale aroma of a dungeon overgrown with black mold. He tweaked his reddish goatee in disgust.

“Sulpherio! Attend me!”

The minion assistant came scampering like a drowned rat. “Yes, dark lord! What is your pleasure on this dreadful morning?”

The supreme demon bowed his head. “Is that lake still burning? Or did you let the fire go out once again?”

Sulpherio fell to his knees. “No, my lord. We just stocked it with fresh coals from the furnace of Hades.”

“I can’t smell anything,” Satan huffed. “Normally, my nostrils tingle with blistering bits of burning flesh. Could you check it for me?”

The minion nearly folded himself in half. “Of course, of course...”

Satan slumped in his throne. “Life here has become so routine. Torture, punishment, agony, woeful cries for mercy. So very predictable. Mercy? The damned souls of Hell actually expect mercy from me? From meeeeeee?”

Sulpherio stopped in his tracks. “Haha. Amusing, I must admit, dark lord...”

“I AMUSE YOU??” Satan bellowed, with red flames spitting from his mouth.

“No!” the minion begged. “No… I mean these pitiful souls are amusing...”

“IN A PLACE OF ETERNAL PAIN, YOU FIND AMUSEMENT?” Satan exploded.

“Please, dark lord,” Sulpherio cried. “I meant no offense...”

Satan began to laugh. “I know you did not. Just thought maybe a bit of vocal violence might break this mood, you know? But, no.”

“Perhaps you could look upon creation for some entertainment?” the minion sputtered. “Tom Ellis is reprising his role as you in season four of ‘Lucifer’ which is coming to Netflix. I have also noticed that Motorhead’s version of ‘Sympathy for the Devil’ is being used in an ad for the Acura RDX...”

“CHILDISH FOLLY!” Satan thundered. “DO YOU THINK I COULD BE SATED WITH SUCH FOOLISHNESS?”

Sulpherio began to tremble once again. “I meant only to please you, sire...”

“Yes, I know,” Satan snorted. “This is so incredibly boring. Like waiting in line at a government office. Tedious with no upside-down masochistic fulfillment. Just vacuous, numbing boredom.”

“Did you know it was election season in the United States?” the minion asked.

Satan perked up his pointed ears. “Ah, really? I have been occupied with ushering new souls into our living tomb of iniquity. Election season, you say? Running for president?”

“No,” Sulpherio answered. “An off-year, mid-term contest. But still quite thrilling...”

“THRILLING?” Satan roared. “WHEN HARDLY ANYONE SHOWS UP AT THE POLLS?”

The minion curled his fingers, fearfully. “But my lord, this is year different. Americans are in the age of Twitter and Donald Trump. Hatred and tribalism are boiling from the cauldron. There are confrontations in the streets, in restaurants, on Capitol Hill and on social media platforms...”

Satan chortled. “Yes, yes, yes… I could retire with so much infighting loosed by mortal beings. They are doing my will, unwittingly. What do earthers call it? ‘A freebie?’”

Sulpherio giggled. “They are doing your bidding with great enthusiasm!”

“Yes,” Satan whispered. “Many of them. Even some of those who use the name of that fellow upstairs, with the long beard and white robe...”

“God?” Sulpherio wondered out loud.

“DO NOT SPEAK HIS NAME IN THIS PLACE!” Satan shouted.

“Forgive me,” the minion warbled. “Forgive me, dark lord.”

“So what do you expect in this election season?” Satan pondered, stroking the pointed tip of his tail. “More left versus right chatter? That isn’t out of the ordinary. That is boring!”

“But pundits predict further division in the Congress,” Sulpherio explained. “Democrats will retake the House of Representatives, while Republicans will hold the Senate. Impeachment hearings for Mr. Trump will begin, almost immediately. They expect President Donald to exceed his already ‘huge’ capacity for self-aggrandizement and faux-righteousness. The raucous rancor of Washington will be ratcheted up yet another notch...”

“Hatred, glorious hatred!” Satan said, baring his fangs. “My bread and butter.”

“The Russia probe has sputtered,” Sulpherio observed. “Like a wet firecracker. No bang for the buck. They put Paul Manafort in jail and indicted some foreign nationals...”

Satan chewed his splintered nails. “As Hunter S. Thompson said, ‘In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity.’ Manafort was very stupid. And quite boring.”

“I agree, sire,” Sulpherio acquiesced.

“Mueller should have indicted President Donald!” Satan laughed. “That would have been more festive. Like standing the logic of ‘lock her up’ for Hillary on its head. A show worthy of me!”

The minion clapped his hands. “Yes sire, yes!”

“But… no,” Satan wheezed.

“No, indeed,” Sulpherio admitted in defeat. “There are a few who believe that control by two money-rich political parties is not real democracy. They are working for genuine citizen participation in the process. For a real contest with grass-roots groups.”

“Yawn!” Satan said, mockingly. “Americans are too stupid. Pitiful fools! They need to be herded like sheep. Red sheep, blue sheep. Me sheep, you sheep. All sheep, in deep!”

“A rhyme with reason,” the minion chuckled.

“I AM SO SICK OF BEING BORED!” Satan growled, hot with breaths scalding the rocky facade over his throne.

“Be patient, sire. I beg you. Watch, and enjoy,” the minion promised. “This new episode will make Watergate seem like a church picnic.”

Satan choked on his breath. “Watergate? Hey, didn’t we hire that guy?”

Sulpherio grinned. “Richard Milhous has a place of honor here, dark lord. You made the decision long before he joined us in Hell...”

Satan rubbed his eyes. “I probably did. Hard to remember, really. I have been so busy down here, overseeing torture, punishment, agony, while hearing woeful cries for mercy… IN GENERAL, BEING VERY BORED!”

The minion began to shake. “I promise you, this will be exciting. I promise you!”

“Tom Ellis is a handsome fellow,” Satan confessed. “I would not mind a vacation from Hell, as imagined by Neil Gaiman and Mike Carey. Or by Tom Kapinos.”

Sulpherio raised his eyebrows. “Perhaps you could run for office in America, like Mr. Trump...”

“IDIOTIC MORON!” Satan yowled. “YOU WOULD SEEK TO LOWER ME TO THE LEVEL OF FOOLISH MORTALS WHO BATTLE FOR POLITICAL POWER?”

The minion fell to his knees. “Forgive me, sire, forgive me...”

“I would just like to drive that vintage, black Corvette.” Satan concluded. “And perhaps have a date with Chloe Decker. A flight of fancy most certainly not boring at all!”

Sulpherio covered his mouth. He had learned his lesson, at last. Silence would be his shield. Blessed, beautiful silence, interrupted only by cries for mercy amid the craggy outcroppings of pumice and the sparkling throne of his evil king.

“Indeed,” he whispered. “A Corvette, and Chloe. Indeed!”

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