“House Call”

c. 2017 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(7-17)

It was a slow day at the Icehouse home office.

I had been struggling to find a column idea for the ‘Geauga Independent’ since daybreak. But with some sense of resignation, I realized that all of my creative ideas had been tapped out and used. Even the subject of fried bologna recipes did not move the meter. Nothing useful came from the ether. I was an empty vessel. Spent. Gone dry.

An Internet search yielded little relief. Until it linked to an odd tidbit of information – the switchboard number for 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Literally, the White House number. My interest was piqued. In an age of Twitter tweets and Snapchat screen caps and instant communication of all sorts, would a live person still answer the phone in Washington, D.C. as in days of yore?

I made a pot of coffee. Carefully, I punched in the number on my cell phone. What follows is a transcript of the conversation that ensued:

WHITE HOUSE: “Hello, may I direct your call?”

ME: “This is Rod Ice, from Thompson, Ohio. I am a newspaper journalist and would like to speak with President Trump, please...”

WHITE HOUSE: (Clearing her throat) “Sir, you can’t just call up and talk to Mr. Trump. It doesn’t work that way. I would suggest holding for the communications office. I can forward your call...”

ME: “Sorry, I did not understand your remark. President Trump is a public servant, correct? He was elected by the people and serves at their pleasure. So in a sense, I am one of his bosses. Please ask him to come to the phone, would you?”

WHITE HOUSE: (Coughing) “Sir, we do not appreciate ‘crank calls’ on this line. I am hanging up now...”

ME: “Wait! Wait! This isn’t a joke, ma’am. I would like to speak with our chief executive as a local writer from the Midwest. He was just out here, in Youngstown. Surely he has a couple of minutes to devote to someone from the heartland?”

WHITE HOUSE: “I am hanging up now...”

ME: “No! Not yet! Give me a chance! I would like to ask about the administration’s inability to get things done in Washington.”

WHITE HOUSE: “Mr. Trump is not a politician, sir.”

ME: “I think that has been very clearly established.”

WHITE HOUSE: “That is why voters chose him over ‘Crooked Hillary.’ He brings a breath of fresh air to this town.”

ME: “One would think that an across-the-board political stalemate would render stale air. But I digress. I would like to ask him if he expects to achieve anything beyond issuing executive orders and making a pick for the supreme court?”

WHITE HOUSE: “Sir, I answer telephones here. I do not comment on policy goals of the administration.”

ME: “That is why I asked to speak with President Trump personally.”

WHITE HOUSE: “He does not have time to talk with everyday citizens. I am sorry!”

ME: “So, he can seek my vote but not answer a phone call?”

WHITE HOUSE: “I am the switchboard operator. I answer when you ring.”

ME: “Great. Then patch me through to the Oval Office, please!”

WHITE HOUSE: “This must be Lawrence O’Donnell from MSNBC, right? Trying to garner some better ratings for this week’s shows? I have to say that your tactics aren’t very creative...”

ME: “Ma’am, I am a journalist from Geauga County, Ohio!”

WHITE HOUSE: “Gee-hooga? You made that up, right? Did Rachel Maddow help you with that name?”

ME: “My name is Rod Ice. I am with an online newspaper called ‘The Geauga Independent.’ From Thompson, Ohio.”

WHITE HOUSE: “From Gee-hooga County. Right. That sounds like the horn on a Model T Ford...”

ME: “Ma’am, it is GEAUGA County. From the native word for raccoon.”

WHITE HOUSE: “Look, these pranks by you people from ‘The Huffington Post’ are really tiresome. Hanging up now...”

ME: “Wait! Please! Give me five minutes with President Trump and I’ll never call you again.”

WHITE HOUSE: “Tell Chris Hayes that he looks like Maddow’s little brother.”

ME: “Ma’am, I do not work for MSNBC. I write for a newspaper.”

WHITE HOUSE: “An online newspaper?”

ME: “That’s right. Actually, I am the editor. So you might say that I work for myself. Ultimately, I work for our readers, as Mr. Trump works for the citizens of the United States. Does that make sense?”

WHITE HOUSE: “Anything makes more sense than wasting ten minutes of my time speaking with a fake reporter from MSNBC! Hanging up I say...”

ME: “Wait! Wait, I beg you! All I ask is five minutes with the president. He isn’t a king, after all. Not even a business CEO any longer. He is our nation’s highest public servant. Do you get the meaning of public service?”

WHITE HOUSE: “What I ‘get’ is the telephone when it rings.”

ME: “And you have done an admirable job of lifting the receiver. Now patch me through to the Oval Office and we’ll be good.”

WHITE HOUSE: “May I suggest that you watch the daily press briefing...”

ME: “Since Sean Spicer stepped down, those have been considerably less entertaining.”

WHITE HOUSE: “Sir, we are not here for entertainment.”

ME: “I know. You are there to answer the phones.”

WHITE HOUSE: “Correct.”

ME: “Your job is done. Connect me with Mr. Trump, please.”

WHITE HOUSE: “Sir, if anyone could just call up and speak to him, we’d have real chaos in this office.”

ME: “More chaos than with you people in charge?”

WHITE HOUSE: “Hanging up, Mr. MSNBC...”

ME: “Don’t touch that button! I am a concerned citizen and a professional writer. It is your duty to let me speak with the leader of our country. Your patriotic duty!”

WHITE HOUSE: (Laughing) “Rachel Maddow knows how to pen a good script. This is going to be on her program tonight, I’d bet.”

ME: “I have never met Ms. Maddow.”

WHITE HOUSE: “Right. I bet you’ve never met Senator Franken. Or Senator Schumer. Or anyone from ‘Daily Kos’ right?”

ME: “Ma’am, for the last time, I am a newspaper journalist from northeastern Ohio. And officially, a Libertarian.”

WHITE HOUSE: “Have a good day then, Mr. Ohio. Hanging up now. Hanging up!”

My attempt at reaching the Oval Office failed. But true success came from breaking through the barrier of ‘writer’s block’ that had taken hold. No longer was it a boring day in the Icehouse home office.

Now, it was time to write my column!

Comments or questions about ‘Words on the Loose’ may be sent to: icewritesforyou@gmail.com

Write us at: P.O. Box 365 Chardon, OH 44024

Published weekly in the Geauga Independent