“The Marriage Conundrum”

c. 2017 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(4-17)

Marriage… might I take that gamble, again? The subject is one difficult for contemplation.

As the basic building block for society, the choosing of a proper mate with whom to build a family is both important and potentially rewarding in a sense no other human activity could achieve. Yet the failure of this bedrock partnership can be traumatic and devastating. Getting married is a flight of romantic adventure. Getting divorced is a battlefield experience that may humble even the most hardened souls.

For this writer, having been married and divorced twice has yielded a seasoned perspective that I would not wish upon anyone. While the effect is to offer veteran status and a harsh sort of enlightenment, it is impossible to avoid thinking that it is a life lesson one would be better off having avoided. The legal maneuvering involved in a divorce is a construct of madness.

I thought of such things recently, as a wordsmith friend pondered the choice of saying “I do” or “I don’t” in one of her columns. Reading the piece made me think of my own situation. Would I ever consider a blessed union with a Wife 3.0? It seemed unthinkable. My friend Archer, who was also the survivor of two failed marriages, used to offer the observation that living alone was indeed “the best time of his life.” He encouraged me to think of it as a liberating condition.

I of course was not completely convinced.

Archer liked to quote the Apostle Paul, who said in the Christian Bible, 1 Corinthians, Chapter 7: “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” While I reckoned that such a lifestyle would be considerably less complicated, it did not seem wholly appealing. (And the full text of Paul’s admonitions recognized this fact as true.)

The German group ‘Rammstein’ offered more cause for consideration on this subject, however. Their popular song ‘Du Hast’ included words from traditional marriage vows used in their country. When hearing the track, I was moved to view the idea of a third trip down the aisle with a jaundiced eye. In their composition, vocalist Till Lindemann sings with great emotion:

“Willst du bist der Tod euch scheidet, treu ihr sein fur alle tage?” (Will you until death do you part, be faithful to her for all days?)

“Nein!” (No!)

“Willst du bis zum Tod der scheide, sie lieben auch in schletchten tagen?” (Want to death the distinction, love them even in bad days?)

“Nein!” (No!)

I have personally known two different fellows who were each on their fourth set of nuptials. Both claimed to be very happy. While they seemed to honestly have successful relationships, I had to wonder about the long-term durability of these unions. A Pew Research Center study I read, from 2010, indicated that only 29% of divorced adults would consider getting married again. Echoing this mindset, the Avvo legal website I found said that 73% of third marriages would end in divorce. So the advice of my cohort Archer sounded quite accurate.

Still, I wondered if taking a completely negative view was reasonable.

From my own, Libertarian perspective, I have always imagined the act of marriage as simply making a business contract. A legal partnership between consenting adults. Something which rational minds should be able to undertake without much interference or regulation from the state. A choice for those who possess the intellect to decide how their everlasting lives should proceed. Yet human nature has made this selection of a mate into something filled with chaos and woe.

Therefore, after having failed twice as a marriage partner, would I ever seek to once again join in matrimony with another soul? It was a question I considered carefully while reading the manuscript sent by my friend from Chardon.

I harbored no ill feelings for either of my ex-spouses. Instead, my heart was full of sorrow over having failed to expertly navigate the waters of a matrimonial agreement. In the first instance, because it cost me a relationship with the son we raised together. And because I lost a genuine partner in whom I placed unflagging confidence and trust. In the second instance, because our relationship seemed to spiral out of control too quickly, as if it never really existed.

Yet the question put to mind, over making a third trip down the aisle, had me going silent. Would I say ‘yes’ yet again? Was it possible? Or likely? Something I could envision as stars aligned and fate spoke with persuasive power, like the song of a siren?

My answer came quickly. As Rammstein had voiced the sentiment:

‘Nein!’ (No!)

After spending most of my life in the company of other people, I had simply been alone too long. A certain hardness had taken hold, a defense mechanism that helped me cope with my status. The thought of regressing to a time where I had to act in concert with another, while appealing on a certain level, seemed to be the stuff of fiction.

I had been transformed by the fire of failure.

Yet as my friend Archer observed, it had opened the door to a new era. One with more relaxed, reasonable goals. One where a woman like Janis, my un-wife and un-companion, my text-teaser and thought-provoker, brought fulfillment by offering a unique relationship never mentioned in the prose of professional counselors like ‘Dr. Phil.’

She and I bonded over a meal at the local Chinese buffet, several years ago.

It was literally this shared desire for Asian cuisine that brought us together. Separate and apart, though we remained. Her attitude was mildly anti-social and mistrustful of the male gender, in general. I had proven unable to properly sustain an affectionate relationship while sorting out the related importance of life goals like creative writing and career pursuits. She was ‘bohemian’ in a hippie sense. I liked retro models on the Internet, who could skillfully use makeup and vintage clothes to project an artful appearance. Neither of us were inclined to go out on a date with anyone. If we had, it would certainly not have been with each other!

But we were both hungry for General Tso’s Chicken.

Thus was born a relationship of convenience. But strangely, also one that has lasted without the typical need to battle the woes often attached to professions of romantic love. Her good morning messages on the phone begin my day. And I return the favor with quotes and funny photos as she is drifting off to sleep at night.

To answer the question of my writer friend – would I say “I do” or “I don’t?” Speaking honestly, my answer would be “I will.”

As in “I will make another trip to the Chinese buffet!”

Comments or questions about ‘Words on the Loose’ may be sent to: icewritesforyou@gmail.com

Write us at: P.O. Box 365 Chardon, OH 44024

Published weekly in the Geauga Independent