“Retail Stories”

c. 2017 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(4-17)

Creative writing is a noble pursuit. But as many have discovered, it often yields a less-than-satisfactory income. So while my career as a journalist and author has evolved over the past 35 years, another profession remained necessary to pay the household bills.

In my case, this necessitated a dual-path detour from wordsmithing into retail management.

Even a single week of serving as a steward in this kind of setting would be certain to produce colorful stories of dealing with the quirks and foibles of human behavior. But in my case, the adventure lasted for three decades and more. Thus, the tales tucked away in my memory are plentiful. Predictably, those that are easiest to recall involve the sort of mayhem one often encounters when dealing with the public.

For your inspection, I offer here examples of such moments when I was called upon to use all of my personal resources of patience and peacemaking in the pursuit of providing good customer service:

1. On Sundays, one of my stores closed at 9:00 p.m. instead of the customary midnight hour for every other night of operation. This meant that each week, I had at least one battle with local customers who were offended by the difference. One grabbed my arm to read the wristwatch I wore, in hope that he could dispute the actual time. Another gestured angrily with arms outstretched and shouted “This is an outrage!” when I indicated that the store was closed. But most surreal of all was a fellow who drove his Lincoln Town Car up onto our sidewalk. As I braced myself for the sound of breaking glass and twisting metal, he jumped from the driver’s seat, jammed his loyalty card in between the locked doors and growled “Cut this thing up! I’ll never use it again!”

2. At a store known for brisk summer business, I frequently encountered customers who were inebriated. On one occasion this involved handling a patron who had been insulted by his treatment at our Deli counter. After being verbally assaulted, I offered to walk him back to the department where he would receive an apology and free product. Stumbling down the aisle, he began to strike me from behind. “Get moving!” he shouted, slurring his words. “Faster! Faster!” I spun around and pointed my finger in his face. “Look,” I said. “You have no reason to put your hands on me. I will take care of your needs, or call the police. You make the choice!” I pulled the cordless phone from my belt. Suddenly, he was considerably less agitated. The Deli clerk on duty gave him a fresh pound of sliced ham. Problem solved.

3. At a different store, a fellow who had been drinking decided to engage another customer in a fistfight. This happened directly in one of our front entrances. I was called to intervene and arrived just as the larger of the two hit the smaller man square in the jaw. He landed on his posterior and slid backwards across the concrete. It was a spectacle that reminded me of a silent movie stunt. The injured drunk recovered quickly and ran away as police cruisers arrived, with lights and sirens fully activated. An officer proclaimed “Someone called 911, Rod! They told us you were being assaulted!” I was happy to report that the call was inaccurate. The larger man stayed to provide a statement.

4. While some companies frown on chasing shoplifters, others encourage store management to vigorously pursue such evildoers. One one occasion, a cashier chased a fellow who had pushed a full cart of beer out the front doors. I could hear her shouting my name as she pursued this miscreant with his stolen brew. I arrived outside in time to hear the clerk demanding that this offender produce a receipt for the beverages. When he saw me approaching, the thief immediately abandoned his cart and ran across the street. I shouted as he disappeared. “The police will have you within half an hour. I guarantee it! No point in trying to escape!” Within 30 minutes the local constables had indeed found him, hiding behind a nearby Rite Aid drugstore.

5. At one of my stores, in the 1980’s, our ‘house brand’ had a label design very familiar to the public after years of use. The warehouse in Cleveland decided that this look needed an update, however. So a completely fresh logo was drafted for this budget line of products. Marketing experts employed by our distributor reckoned that it would make our stores more competitive. But instead, we quickly began receiving complaints and returns as customers swore that the products “tasted different.”

6. On a Wednesday night at one store, a tornado actually passed over our building. Initially, the high winds blew open a roll-up door in our receiving area. Skies overhead turned frighteningly dark. Then, the storm moved ‘cart corrals’ in our parking lot, striking a customer’s Buick sedan. A woman was lifted off her feet and ended up soaked to the skin, minus her car keys. Loose carts were in the street, which briefly stalled traffic. The roof of a bank next door was damaged. After working to clear away the mess and assure that everyone was safe, the crew was sopping wet. We worked the rest of our night feeling like waterlogged bath sponges.

7. At a midnight closing, I met a woman at our front doors with her minivan parked on the sidewalk. Her children were crying and she had an entire grocery order sitting in bags, on the ground. After calming down, she explained that her husband had been drinking, became angry over her shopping trip and had indicated the check she used to pay would ‘bounce.’ The order was around $400. Since the store was closed and we had already processed her check, I took her personal information and suggested that we follow up on the next business day. Her kids were exhausted and probably very hungry. Her husband had passed out and would not answer any more calls. Predictably, there was no issue with her payment when our cash office reviewed the purchase.

8. Bank issues happen on occasion and are out of our control at the store level. Especially during the weekends. But on one occasion, a woman who had insufficient funds for her grocery purchase became loud and began marching around by the cash registers. “Power to the people!” she chanted. “I know the team at WKYC-3 personally and will be calling Carl Monday from my car!” She took out her cellphone for dramatic effect. After she had exited, I observed to a clerk at the service counter that Mr. Monday had moved to WOIO-19 in 2007. Synchronicity was seemingly in effect because, by Monday, the day of the week named for her hero, she realized there was no issue and her debit card would work once again.

9. One employer believed in vigorously pursuing those who had ‘called off’ from work. So when a particular fellow was frequently absent, I was instructed to hunt him down with the other Co-Manager on duty. We went to his apartment where a neighbor said he had been gone for over an hour. I knew he did not drive and guessed he was at the local bar. When we visited that pub, he could not be found. I guessed once again, supposing that he had simply gone to the bathroom. In another minute he appeared, still tucking in his shirt tail. We fired him immediately. His response came with a grin. “So, would you guys like to have a beer?”

10. At a store with Cleveland ownership, one of the crew typically wore denim overalls to work and boasted of his downstate heritage, hailing from the area of Cincinnati. On a particular morning he was doing price changes and the Store Manager appeared with complaints about his work performance. After a few minutes of abuse, he interrupted by shouting “Aw Hell, I’m quittin’ anyway, so it don’t really matter!” Suddenly, the boss had a complete reversal of tone. “Please don’t screw me!” he begged. “I need at least two weeks notice!”

Like an onion, a career in retail management can grow rich with many layers. My own trip through the industry involved working for five different chains. While a regular paycheck was always my goal, a side benefit came in the form of compelling stories for the future. As I often used to say, “The entertainment comes for free!”

Comments or questions about ‘Words on the Loose’ may be sent to: icewritesforyou@gmail.com

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Published weekly in the Geauga Independent.