c. 2022 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(9-22)
Years ago,
As the 21st Century yawned and awakened, decidedly slow
While deep into an evening binge of strong drink
I teetered on the brink
Of an idea that a more civilized self might have eschewed
Not intending to be callous, or rude
I opined over my bourbon glass
That a favored TV host
Ought to make the most
Of an opportunity provided by his weekly dumpster dive
Recorded live
But peppered with censoring bleeps
A substitute for expletives, more appropriate for the urban streets
It seemed quite proper to note
That this fellow who once campaigned for political votes
Might now take his broadcasting skills on the road
I reckoned, in a caravan of cameras and cables
So far flung, as they were able
Perhaps drifting with purpose from one mobile community to the next
Trailer to trailer
Seeking blue-collar grunts, wiping grime from their windshields
After laboring in the industrial fields
My wife at the time was sour on this proposition
She took a contrarian position
“Are you willfully disposed to playing the role of a hack?”
She shot back
Curling her lower lip with a mood of disgust
I had to pause while she fussed!
“No, no, hear me out, this would be genius at work!
That damned fellow who was mayor of Cincinnati is more than a video jerk!”
I suggested that he might
Travel under the cover of night
Forward to a prefabricated oasis, different from the first
Extolling the gritty values of humble folks in denim trousers, and checkered shirts
Then if that were not enough to satisfy
I thought he should fly
To Europe and the nation of France
Where, by chance
He might spark condescension with a brash bit of redneck fire
Navel gazing, perhaps
But a solid ratings pitch to executives in Fedora hats
A backwards, Parkour curve into the audience itself
That first made it possible for the Ringmaster
To cause such a stir
When a sober mind followed this bit of bottled inspiration from the liquor shelf
I sent my thoughts to Jerry, himself!
Written in a note that I sealed with care
A typewritten submission, folded in a paper square
My spouse would not let his image be displayed in our house
I found a boxed figure, vended on ebay
She wanted to throw it away!
“That chap is a disgusting little rogue!” she hissed
“Look at his eyes! There’s something amiss!”
I nodded and bent my knees in a pose of submission
But mailed the envelope
With a fervent hope
That my message would get through the battle lines, drawn
To my scandalous king, from his viewer, and pawn
It took more than a few days with the postal service in flux
But eventually, there was a reply
I read it, on the sly
While sat in my pickup truck
The letter came with a glossy photograph
A publicity pose, with his face uncovered
I had to muffle my laugh, for fear of being discovered
“Touring trailer parks for a kick, or visiting France, better still!
I’d gladly jump on a jet if my producers would cover the bill!”
I pumped my fist in the air, and chanted with glee
I repeated that hallowed name, times three
A new energy caused my heart to thump
With thoughts of the archival dump
That might be sired while the recorders rolled
And guests of honor bared their souls
Prostitutes and priests, fallen into worldly sin
Transvestites and loners leaping on the head of a pin
Domestic bickering
While the gaffers had their stage lights a’ flickering
Cheaters and hucksters and down-on-their-lucksters
All sat waiting their turn
Fifteen minutes of fame
Reduced to a VHS clip
A brief visual blip
With a disclaimer that the programming itself might offend
And should only be shared with friends
Who are casually open in their mindset, and willing to be entertained
Complainers may refrain
From lodging protests with prudish pride
Doubters may cover their eyes
All of this I had in mind
When gingerly holding Mr. Springer’s signature in my trembling fingertips
I read it over and again
Before stashing the document in my glovebox
I made sure the compartment was locked!
My significant other was waiting at the front door
I tried to summon an expression of bland repose
Held a finger to my nose
And whispered under my breath
“This pen-pal adventure has been quite a success!”
(Written about a letter I sent to Jerry Springer in the early 2000’s, with show ideas. He graciously responded, and sent a publicity photo – to be featured in my next volume of lyrics and poetry.)
